Saturday, November 6, 2021

The Prodigal Daughter Returns Home

Good afternoon, World.

Last night I sat down and took stock of everything I have done in the past 3 years. I was searching to pinpoint the exact moment that I must have replaced God with something else I wanted in my life. I have been feeling as if God was further and further away from me and no matter how much I knew it was me who was pushing Him away, I couldn't bring myself to do what it took to pull Him back.

I kept hoping I could have both. But, we all know that God doesn't work that way. It's all or nothing with Him.

The saving Grace was that the more I fought to have what I wanted, the more God fought to make me see that HE was what I REALLY wanted, and nothing else was going to bring me the fulfillment and joy I was seeking.

Last night, He won. The wrestling match is over. I submit.

I told Him so. I meant it. Just like I meant it that day on December 31, 2013.

It is time to give up what I was working so hard for and let Him give me what He wants me to have. No matter how big or small that may seem to me (We all know that nothing God gives is really "small". It's ALL big. It's a matter of perspective).

This morning, I woke up and the first thing I did was turn on Pandora Radio to listen to my Christian Praise Music. It's a new day. It's a new life. (again). I am determined to let God make it so.

The first song I heard was God's message to me. I needed to hear it. I heard the message loud and clear.

Thank You, Father, for Jesus. And, thank You so much for speaking to me in such a loud voice again!

The best thing about being a child of God is that no matter how many times you wander astray, no matter how many bad decisions you make, or sins you commit out of curiosity and err, God is always waiting for you to come home with His arms open wide!

Oh, the feeling I get when those arms close in around me and give me that great big hug I have so needed!

Have a blessed day!

Thursday, October 28, 2021

Sometimes It Takes a Mountain

Good morning, World.

I am currently charging up my telephone so I can call the mortgage company to find out what my options are concerning this trailer since I can't move it and am told I have to vacate the premises by January 24th due to the landlords selling the property.

I got the notice last night.

I guess they figured they couldn't keep it up and that not keeping it up would cost them more money than keeping it, so they have decided to sell it.

Suddenly I don't care about the rats anymore.

And, I will have to call off the Jesus Feast this year - again.

This is going to take all of the money I have saved up in my E-trade account, and then some. So, I have to figure out something fast.

It is funny how someone else's decisions can be life or death for you financially, and there is nothing you can do about it.

If I get out from under all this, I will never buy another mobile home. Lesson learned. I will be working toward my tiny home, though.

I will be looking for an affordable, pet friendly apartment or house until I can do so, though.

I know God has a plan. And, I know where my focus should be from now on. I know it should have never left there... I am going through this all alone, with God.

Sometimes it takes a mountain.

Have a blessed day!

Sunday, October 24, 2021

oops, wrong delivery

Today I did my first shop and delivery order for the Spark app.

I did a good job. I got paid $27 for about an hour of my time. Not bad.

I worked a few more spark deliveries, and then I got a double order. One was in my trunk and one was in my backseat. I took the wrong order to the wrong person. Oops. That was a mess. It took me about 30 minutes to get all of that situated and corrected.

 I hope I don't have to pay for the groceries. But if I do, so be it. I made a mistake I won't make again.

Monday, October 11, 2021

What I have learned in 2021

Every year, during my birth month, I take the time to write down the 10 top things I learned that year.

I nearly forgot all about it this year, I've been so busy!

For some, the COVID epidemic has been a curse that has brought depression among many. But, for me, COVID has created the way in which I now make my living as a courier and taxi driver.

Hey, if life gives you lemons...well, I did my best to make lemonade!

I have learned a lot this year. Not just in the way I make my living, but also in my relationships and my spiritual growth.

Here goes:

1. Don't waste your time and energy on people who don't appreciate what you have to offer. Make the offer, then walk away and hope they follow. If they don't, it's their loss.

2. It's best not to talk about what you are going to do. (yeah, FAIL) It's better to talk about what you have done and why.

3. Internet Dating is cheap and it devalues those involved. It is too easy to scam someone over the internet, or lie, or omit information. A relationship should always be based on REAL. (I already knew all this...I just found out a whole lot better about why this year).

4. Always have a plan B, and it doesn't hurt to have a plan C, too.

5. Stay objective when you find yourself intwined in a situation you are not sure about. Stepping outside the problem to look inside is the best way to see the whole picture.

6. Always follow your gut instinct...but make sure it is based on good information, and not on emotional fear.

7. Love is not something you's something you do. (I think I included this on other years as well, but it is worth a re-do, because I was reminded of this over and again this year.

8. Sometimes the best respect you can give someone is to walk away from them.

9. When you pray, there are three possible answers: Yes, No, and Not right now. If you don't get what you want, it could mean "No", or it could mean "Not right now". Because you don't know which answer it is, you should always accept the answer as "No" right now, and act accordingly. Acceptance is the first step toward letting go and letting God.

and finally,

10. Letting go means moving on and leaving it behind. It means looking forward and not back. If what you let go of is meant to be there, it will catch up with you later.

The song that best describes this year for me is:

Saturday, October 9, 2021


If there is one thing I have realized, it is that it actually takes faith to obey God.

How many times have you said, "I know I should do this (or that), but if I do, I am afraid this (or that) might happen."

What you need to realize is that it isn't about what YOU want to happen. It's about what God has planned for us.

When you step out of God's Will to do what YOU want to do, instead of what God has commanded you do, you are getting in the way of what God has planned for you.

Yes, there are times when you will say, "This is going to mess up everything I want...but if You say so...". God would rather hear that than, "I have a better plan. Let me take Your place."

If you want to mess up God's plans, He won't stop you, but you won't like it.

Remember that.

Monday, October 4, 2021

Saturday, October 2, 2021

Beer Beans and Cornbread

Good morning, World!

Today is cleaning day.

I am getting ready to take a bath, and then give the dogs a bath today, while I am washing and drying clothes.

I am going to my mom's later. I'll take Otis this time, since Milo went last time. Mom is having beer beans and cornbread. The whole family is going to be there.

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

I Don't Want to Miss the Mountain

Hello, World!

I had a VERY blessed day.

I decided to take a friend to church with me tonight to introduce her to my favorite Church family. But, I was so afraid I wasn't going to make much money today, since my foot was still injured.

I decided that God would provide, as He always does.

And, as a result, about 30 minutes before I stopped for the day, I still needed to make about half what I needed to reach my daily goal. I got a ride that paid half of that, and then a tip from them that paid all but about $10 of that, and then another ride after that that paid the rest.


I went and picked up my friend, who LOVED my church family and enjoyed the service, and even offered Brother Matthew some art work to use to help bring in funds for our new church building we are building. (I shrugged when he looked at me and I said, "I have 'unique' friends, what can I say?" and he said, "You sure do!")

I really needed that service, too. I don't want to miss the Mountain, and the blessings that await me for being there.

By the time I got home, my limp was nearly gone. Still some residual pain, but I can actually WALK!

Thank You, Jesus! Only YOU could have done that!

Relaxing and looking forward to tomorrow now.

Have a blessed night!

Monday, September 27, 2021

The Struggle is Real, Ya'll

Hello, World!

Today was not so good a day. I spent half the day updating my apps and taking care of glitches that were keeping me from being offered any deliveries or rides. By the time I got it taken care of, it was time to meet up with a friend for dinner at the Olive Garden.

Dinner was good, by the way. I got the Lasagna. The salad with Italian dressing and breadsticks were awesome, too.

Then, I went back to work to try to make up for what I didn't make earlier, only to be stuck with a Waitr order at Crackerbarrel that took over 30 minutes to get ready for me to deliver.

Didn't matter. After all my tips came in from yesterday on the Spark/Walmart delivery app, I ended up bringing home $92 today. Not bad for half a day's work.

Tomorrow I have to go to the doctor to follow up on my tests that came back saying I was healthy. There are a few things I need to discuss with her, anyway, now that I have insurance again.

Ya'll have a blessed day!

Saturday, September 25, 2021

Lesson Learned

Thank You, Lord, for answering my prayer. It wasn't in the way that I hoped You would. But, I know that You only want what's best for me. And, now, I can focus on the little things again.

It's funny how when something big is in front of you, all of your goals become big, too. All of your expectations change. All of your personal boundaries change.

I have learned something valuable in all this. It is best not to think big. It is best to always put one foot in front of the other. It is best to always look forward and not back. It is best to walk alone with God, and let HIM decide who catches up with us, or who we meet along the way. Anything else is doing God's work for Him.

Thank you, Jesus, for the lesson. Help me use what I have learned wisely and effectively. I am only sorry that it took me so long to learn this.

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

And that's a wrap...

Have y'all not figured out yet that we have been invaded by people who are not sympathetic to America's best interest?

They have figured out a way to steal the election and we did nothing about it. Now they are taking over the internet and any communication lines in order to spy on us.

They have given control of our oil to overseas companies.

Pretty soon we will be the nice proletariat that they are eager to control. Any Rebellion will be put down quickly and everyone will be too scared to stand up again.

Mainly because it's easier not to allow something to happen then it is to fix it after it has. And no one wants to stand up and prevent it from happening.

Goodbye America. So long freedom.

Sunday, September 19, 2021

Weaning Myself off Facebook

8:10 AM Facebook is an addiction that facilitates the illusion that more people care about what you have to say than they actually do.

It has it's uses, which is why I don't want to delete my account. But, it is not worth the time spent on it, which is why I am getting off of it.

Today I ended my work week with $688 from the gig economy. Not a bad living. That averages out to $17/hour if I worked a 40 hour week. I worked more than that...but it didn't feel like it.

I love my work.

Saturday, September 11, 2021

Now Versus Then (How I spent my weekend)

I had a wonderful time today!

Last night, after doing Walmart/Spark deliveries all day, I went home, fixed a gallon of tea, grabbed my pole and fishing gear, and then decided that I would take Milo, too, to my parents' camp at Clear Springs and spend the night.

Otis wanted to go, and I think it hurt his feelings that I didn't take him, too, but I knew one babydog was all I could handle. And Milo was a handful!

We saw deer in the pasture on the way to the camp. Milo wanted to jump out the window of the car and chase them. I had to get on to him and make him lay down in the seat so I wouldn't wreck the vehicle.

We got to the camp and Milo had to water all the trees and find a place to do his "business". Then he wanted to explore. I kept threatening to go get my flyswatter if he didn't come back where I could see him. And, he made sure to bark a good hello to Paw Paw and MeeMaw (who kept calling him "she" and being corrected).

I found a place to tie him up and give him food and water so I could properly visit the parents and niece.

Milo and I later took a walk down to the swimming area. It was a long walk, so when we got back, he didn't fuss much about being tied up outside. He was tired. He didn't even bark all night.

As soon as daylight hit, though, we heard him barking. I figured he figured out that he had stayed outside all night long, which was something he NEVER does. But, when we looked out the door, there were about 5 deer standing across the road looking at him. He was talking to them. Loud. They didn't know what to think about HIM.

I threw out some corn and went inside to get ready for our fishing adventure. The deer made their way to the back of the camper as we sat and drank our coffee to wake up. We watched them out the window. They were brave. They kept one eye on Milo, though, just in case.

Then, we left Milo there to watch the camp for us while we went fishing.

I caught three catfish and one brim - barely keeper size. Between the four of us, we caught 25. Then we went back to the camp.

While my step-dad cleaned the fish, Milo and I went to the swimming area to jump into the water. The sign said, "No pets allowed, and there were people there, so I had to leave Milo tied up with the vehicle while I went swimming. There were others in the water, or I would have ignored the sign.

Then we went back to the camp to rest. My step-dad and niece fried the fish, and some shrimp and some french fries. We ate. Then I told mom I needed to go home. I still have work to do there. And, I have to work tomorrow. I might do it again next weekend, but I wouldn't be spending the night (that bed was UNCOMFORTABLE).

We came home.

Otis was happy to see us. I gave him a chicken treat and he guarded it (instead of eating it) like it was his "precious", and he warned Milo for 30 minutes not to touch it.

I took a much needed bath, then took out the trash and made some tea, and threw some clothes in the wash, and washed the dishes. Then I decided I needed to sit down and rest. So, here I am.

20 years ago today, I was woke up by the editor/owner of the Sierra Times, yelling at me to turn on the television.

I tried to calm him down as I complied.

"Surely it is just a horrible accident!"

About the time I said that, the second tower was hit.

"OH MY GOD! That is no accident!!"

I got off the phone and called my kids.

Seems like yesterday.

I pray to God we never see another one. I praise God for the 9/11 I had today.

Thursday, September 2, 2021

Life is Short, So Learn to Live While You Still Can

3 years ago today I woke up after being asleep for 32 hours. I was drained, dehydrated, nauseated, and had a bad gall bladder infection. The next day I drove myself to the hospital because I knew I was not going to be able to function at work.

I knew I wasn't going to come home...but I had NO idea it was as bad as it was! The doctor informed me that if I had not driven myself to the emergency room when I did, I would have been dead in less than 24 hours.

I had a cyst on my liver. I had a blood clot in the blood vessel that connected my stomach to my heart. My gall bladder was so infected that it was abnormally shaped and swollen. I had a gallstone, LITERALLY the size of a sparrows egg, in there with lots of other gallstones.

I was that close to death, and yet, I still had the strength to make sure that my dogs were okay for the next few days, go by the store on the way to the hospital to get what I knew I would need for the stay, call my mom on the way and walk into the ER to tell them why I was there.

When I was in surgery, they couldn't do it laproscopically. They had to cut me open from the middle of my breasts all the way down to my belly button to fix what was wrong with me. I was in the hospital for nine days.

Just because someone isn't lying motionless or too weak to move much doesn't mean they are not dying. I learned that that day. It was ME.

I was literally DYING and had no idea. I just knew I was too sick to work, and if I am too sick to work, I needed to be in the ER.

It changed my life.


Life is too short to cry over stupid stuff or allow stress to control my life or allow other people's bad behavior to rule my life. Life is too short not to smell the roses or experience new things every day.

Or be with the people you love. Make good memories together. Love each other.

Be content.

I'm alive because God gave me the strength to get help when I needed it, and blinded me to the fact that I was hours away from death.

Sunday, August 22, 2021

New Week, New Outlook

I have a whole week to get ready for next month.

I'll be making $400 less, since the guys will be gone next month and rent money will not be coming in. So, I will be working more.

But, I think I have all my ducks in a row now.

There is so much I want to do and accomplish. But, it's all in God's hands. I'm just going to enjoy the time I am given and the direction God takes me.

Have a blessed day!

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

Speak, Lord, For Your Servant is Listening

One of the things I have noticed in my life and my walk with God, is that God tends to open doors when something is about to happen. It is His way of ushering in new events, eras, and turning around things that have happened in our lives.

He also has the power to shut doors and block paths, which He has done a few times in my life as well.

That is why I cannot help, at this point, but to wonder what is fixing to happen in my life now?

I found myself, on the drive home from picking up the food boxes at Flower Acres this morning, asking God, "Okay, what is fixing to happen? What is it that You are wanting me to do, or see, or accomplish while I am out there on the road this next month? You have just made it possible for me to leave the guys and not feel as if I am abandoning them by presenting the Trax opportunity for them. You have made us more independent of each others needs now. There has to be a reason."

I have learned to always look at opportunities as messages from God. Now, I am seeing it as a command to move forward for some reason that I have yet to ascertain!

I guess, the real question is, Lord, what is it that You are wanting from me? I, your servant, I'm listening!

Saturday, July 3, 2021

Dogs, Drama and Fishing -- The Week of June 27-July 3, 2021

This week started out on June 27, Sunday, with a chihuaha trying to bite me as I was delivering Walmart groceries. No biggy. I was wearing loose clothing, so he didn't get the skin; but, it was still annoying.

I found out that a family member was in the hospital needing urgent prayers. The prayers worked, by the way. He is now home.

On Monday, my son was supposed to leave town but his ride didn't pan out. More drama at my home. And, I got a $20 tip.

On Tuesday, another dog tried to attack me as I was making a WAITr delivery. This time I REALLY got annoyed.

I wrote on my Facebook timeline:

"Dog just attacked me and tried to bite me. On Lake Drive. Third time in two weeks.

I'm going to say it one more time please keep your damn dogs chained up if you want me to deliver anything!

This is starting to get out of hand. And if it was any worse than it was I would have called the cops if for being annoyed!"

I took my son to see my dad. My dad gave him a guitar off his wall because he asked my dad to give him a guitar to carry with him on his travels. Dad didn't give him a good guitar, but he gave him one, and my son was proud of it. So much so that on Wednesday...

On Wednesday, my son and his girlfriend left. I had had enough of their drama and told them it was time for them to go. (There is a lot more to this, but I am not airing my dirty laundry on the internet). My son left behind his own guitar and a pair of skates, and a bag that liz had given them was found on my porch. The bag was empty.

Rules in my household:
  • No drunks.
  • No drugs.
  • No drama.
  • Everybody pitches in somehow to make it work. Everybody fends for themselves.
  • No one is a dependent.
  • I will protect what is mine furiously and with an iron fist.
  • I will be respected in my own home.
  • I do not bend the rules even for my own family -- ESPECIALLY for my own family.
  • I do not ask of anyone else what I am unwilling to do for myself.
  • And I refuse to enable bad behavior.
  • On Thursday, I took Fred to make some appointments and get his food stamp paperwork started. I have to take him to another appointment on the 7th.

    On my way to taking Fred to make an appointment for his healthcare financial help, I was trying to convince Fred not to be complacent when it comes to wearing his mask.

    He said, "I have a good immune system. My skin heals quick when it gets a cut."

    "Not the same thing. Besides, you are trying to tell me that after you just had a stroke, can't hardly get around, are nearly 60 years old and have been smoking for as long as you can remember that if a lung-eater virus gets ahold of you, your body can fight it off? This virus has already killed a member of my family. There are people who are 28 on oxygen with double pneumonia 2 days after being diagnosed in the hospital who are barely making it through and you are telling me you can fight this? I don't think you would come out of it alive if it got you.

    Plus, there is a new strain that is much MORE contagious and acts more aggressive than the original that is out now and you say you can fight it? I don't think so. I think you need to be careful, Fred!"

    He went and got a mask.

    I told him, "I am just thankful it was TRUMP who was in office when this crap broke out. We'd ALL still be wearing masks and waiting forever for a vaccine and the country would be imprisoned at home in a third world country by now if it had been Biden!"

    By Friday, I started making plans. I have the urge to just run away and travel. But, I am stuck here because of people who need me who aren't even my responsibility. I have decided not to let it stop me.

    When I woke up Friday morning, I remembered one time in English/Lit in school where the class had to watch a reel about this girl who was being home-schooled and how she was reading all of her books on a computer screen. It was a sci-fi story about the future.

    I remember thinking, "I doubt I'll see that in MY lifetime, though."

    Back then, the internet didn't even seem possible.

    Now, our kids are doing that on a daily basis. WE even do that.

    Also on Friday, I contacted the H&R Block office to find out why I have not received my Income Tax Refund. I was told that the IRS is being especially slow this year, and it could take up to 20 weeks. I told them I have not received it by September, I would call back.

    I purchased Fallout: Tactics video game for the PC...but I am not sure I like it.

    My refrigerator is going out. I need a new one.

    Today I am loading my car to get ready to travel.

    I am also going to go fishing today.

    I will not be doing any spark deliveries or Uber/Lyft ridesharing for about 2 months.

    I'll be taking a 10 hour trip. Which mean it may take me 5 days to get there (working my way up so I don't miss bills....LOL) I'll get to work in Arkansas, Missouri, Illinois and Indiana. It is going to be fun!

    On the way back I'll work in Tennessee, Mississippi and Louisiana.

    By the time I get to Shreveport, I'll probably be running straight home. LOL

    I'll be working Uber Eats, Door Dash and Waitr.

    I have to be back here by August 2.

    Might stop briefly to visit with my cousin and my Uncle on the way.

    I will come back home to rest some by August 2, (Fred has a doctor's appointment and I am their only means of transportation at this point).

    Then I plan to go to Oregon.

    To my family and friends that I will be visiting: My finances are tight, so I apologize that I will not be able to take you to dinner, but am looking forward to the short visit!

    I am loading my car with baby bed mattress, pillows, blankets and sheets, Fishing gear, tent, suitcase with a weeks worth of clothes and towels and toiletries, my computer and a small igloo ice chest for tea. And, of course, everything I carry with me every day. If I didn't HAVE to come home, I might not.

    My dogs will be well cared for. And all my bills can be paid online. Except my lot rent. I'll be back before that is due.

    I went fishing and broke my rod and reel. I climbed up the hill and made the trail back to my car to get my cane pole, but I couldn't get the line out far enough to reach the fish, so I gave up. After nearly three hours, I climbed the bank and went back home -- hot and worn out. I stopped by my mom's and left my rod and reel so that maybe my step-dad could fix it for me.

    I am resting the rest of the day.

    Sunday, June 13, 2021

    Getting Started

    Good morning, World

    I am fixing to get up and get out of here. I have a big first work-day back planned.

    I am fixing to jump in the tub, then get dressed. Then I am going to go to Walmart to get some stuff for Liz to cook for supper tonight.

    After that, I am going to work for the day.

    Sunday, May 9, 2021

    Who Am I?

    They say that every seven years, every cell in your body regenerates itself. Essentially, your body replaces itself. You might as well say that you become someone totally different.

    Sitting here today, I've done a lot of reflecting. Facebook doesn't hold the same "excitement" it used to have. I no longer look for ways to update my website. The games I used to play to pass the time are now tedious and boring.

    I talk to different people...about different things than I did -- even a year ago. I feel different. I look different.

    And, now, I look in the mirror and ask myself, "Who am I now?"

    Some things have not changed. I still love Jesus. However, even that relationship is totally different than it was. I still want my heart's desire...however, what is meant to be is meant to be and what is not is not...and I have become accepting of that. I still love chocolate and sweet iced tea, too.

    Technically, I am still the same person I have been all my life. But, I am NOT the same at all.

    Today I asked myself why. Am I depressed? I don't feel depressed.

    I am not sure who I am becoming, but I guess it is up to me who I end up being.

    So many choices to make...

    Saturday, May 1, 2021

    Day Off

    Hello, World!

    Today I am taking the day off.

    It sucks, though. Because this is the first of the month and it is guaranteed to be busy. I could use the money.

    But, God is bigger than any financial problem I have.

    I need to start acknowledging that He is bigger than any "heart" problem I have as well. I know that if I do that, He will set me up there, too.

    I will be out working extra hard and extra long this week. I am going to try to have enough money in my account to pay bills for a month by the end of this month.

    I am still waiting on my tax refund and my retirement money.

    And, I have to pay my ticket this week. I am not looking forward to that.

    Today is the Sabbath. I am taking off work to rest and Honor my Father in Heaven, Hallowed be His Name!

    Saturday, April 24, 2021

    Sunday, January 24, 2021

    God will make a way

    Some people really don't like my opportunistic nature. I seek out and take every opportunity God gives me. Because of this, I have survived tough battles in my life, sometimes at great personal cost.

    But, I do not regret ever taking ANY opportunity to better myself, or to survive! And, I have NEVER taken any opportunity that went against what God had taught me of His own nature and laws!

    When I started working as a courier, it was definitely out of my comfort zone, but I searched in prayer for anything that told me that God would not want this for me before I did it. I could find nothing about it that would make God mad at me, so I stepped out in faith.

    I have never been happier!

    When God sends someone who has food, even if I am not going hungry, I take it. My reasoning is, "whatever I can't eat, I can give to someone who needs it." When God sends me money, I take it. I invest it. I use it to help someone else in need. When God sends me someone to talk to, I use the opportunity to tell my story, and give God all the credit! When God gives me the opportunity to work, I take it. I learn from it. Sometimes, I have found it to be training for something better that comes along.

    Had I never driven a car, or a bus, or a taxi, or delivered pizzas, I might not have felt qualified for what I am doing now. I might have let the opportunity pass me by. But, God knew back then where I would be today. GOD MADE THE WAY, I just followed it!

    By doing so, I have let God write my story, and I LOVE telling it!

    Sunday, January 17, 2021

    I Try

    One of these days I am going to find a man who likes to talk. Someone who will tell me about himself. Someone who asks questions and answers them with more than two words or an emoji. Someone who doesn't make me feel like I am "intruding" on his life. Someone who actually wants me to be a part of it. Someone who takes being my best friend seriously.

    I think I am finally ready for that.

    I think I've been ready for that.

    And, I've been saying I wouldn't settle for less than I want. But, the truth is, what I have always wanted always pushes me away. What I have always wanted is never there when I need him. What I have always wanted doesn't really show an interest in happily ever after. What I have always wanted uses me for his own gratification, and when it becomes too much, avoids me any way he can. What I have always wanted hurts me over and over again, thinking it is what is best for him. What I have always wanted doesn't want to give me a chance to be what I long to be with him.

    If I actually got what I have always wanted, wouldn't that, then, be settling for less?

    So, I have no choice.

    Life is what you make it, right?

    I have always been a go-getter. I give getting what I want everything I have, and it is always "too much". I don't feel I give too much. I feel I am not capable of giving enough, but it is always "too much" for him.

    So, maybe what I wanted hasn't really been what I wanted. Maybe what I wanted really wasn't good for me. Maybe what I wanted has clouded my judgment and made me blind to actually giving something I needed the chance to become everything I hope for.

    Maybe it is time I try something else, totally different, on for size.

    Transformation sometimes means stepping out of your expected role in order to play another one. Sometimes it means throwing away the pattern that you sew your life by in order to stitch together another one.

    I am ready for a new adventure.

    I am ready to lock away the memory of the life I wanted in order to live the life I need. I am looking forward now and not back. I am not hoping for anything, except what God gives me.

    And, I think I'm finally going to have to learn to play the same game with my past that has put me in this position in order to finally find the happiness that I am hoping for with someone worth having a life with.

    So, to my past: I give up. You win. I hope you are happy.

    And, to my future: Show me, because what you see is what you get. I am not going to be anything other than who I am. I hope you can live with it.

    Tuesday, January 12, 2021

    I'm No Communist

    I just cancelled my Amazon Prime Membership. Whatever I need I can find elsewhere.

    This is how we fight big Tech and Monopolies that can control our rights.


    I am 52 years old. There isn't a lot I am quaified to do to help the cause of Freedom...but EVERY LITTLE BIT I CAN DO, I WILL DO.

    Amazon says, "Well, what about all the great prices our Prime Membership has to offer to those who are members?"

    My prime membership costs me $15/month. That means I spend $180 per year just for the membership. I've bought about $300 off of Amazon in the past year. So my savings did not equal or surpass the amount I spent to save. It is not worth it for me to support a company that will take away my freedom of speech by destroying Parler.

    Freedom is not free. I'll be happy to spend more and pay the price. My freedom is not for sell.

    I also sold my Twitter stock. I don't want any part of it. I don't own any shares in Facebook or I would sell that too.

    Another Chance

    I met a homeless guy at Burger King today.

    I was on my way in to use the restroom. He said, "How are YOU today, ma'am?"

    I said, "I am blessed!" and was in a hurry to get to the restroom...

    He mumbled, "I'm not."

    I stopped, just long enough to rebuke him and say, "YES, YOU ARE. You woke up this morning. YOU are BLESSED." Then I ran to the restroom. When I came out he was still there. I said, "You have ONE purpose in life. That is to glorify God. IF you woke up this morning, it is because God BLESSED you with a chance to do so."

    Then I left.

    I didn't have any cash on me. And, I'd already given my snack food to another homeless couple at a corner nearby. So, I feel I did what I should have, in telling him this.

    I could tell he was thinking about it as I left.

    Friday, January 8, 2021


    Someone once said, "all that is needed for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing."

    I see so many good men doing nothing. And it's not their fault. There would be a lot at stake for any man who takes action. It would not affect just him. It would affect everyone he loves. Everyone he has contact with on a daily basis. It would turn lives upside down. It would end life as he knew it, and he knows it.

    It's easy to say, "when this happens...", Or "when that happens..." we would have had enough, but, the truth is, there is always a reason to wait just a little bit longer.

    In this day and age there are too many consequences to taking action.

    The problem is, action can still be taken for which there SHOULD be NO adverse consequences. Someone also once said that if you don't use your freedoms you will lose them.

    I say it's time to use our first amendment freedoms to the fullest extent. And, when someone tries to stop you, that is reason enough to FIGHT.

    So, if you are one of those who decide to be quiet when you hear someone say something you don't agree with, then YOU are part of the problem.

    You don't have to be impolite about it. You don't have to be "forceful" or "abrasive" or use curse words and offensive language. You just have to say what is on your mind. You have to USE your freedom of speech. And when they try to tell you to be quiet, USE IT ALL THE MORE! DON'T BE QUIET. And when they try to FORCE you to shut up, that is REASON ENOUGH TO FIGHT.

    A word of warning here: If you want to use your freedom to say what you think, then you need to be prepared to let others use theirs. That is why being POLITE about it is a MUST. Otherwise, you lose the message you were trying to convey. Others not agreeing with what you say is not a reason to fight. Others trying to STIFLE you from saying it, IS.

    Voltaire once said, "I may not like what you have to say, but I will fight to the death for your RIGHT to say it!"

    You also have to USE your freedom to assemble peaceably. Go to church. Go to rallies. Join in protests. Hold vigils. BUT USE IT. And, when the cops come and try to force you to disperse...THAT is reason enough to FIGHT.

    You have to USE your freedom of religion. Don't be afraid to say "God bless the USA". Don't be afraid to whip out the "sword of the spirit" (Bible) in public. Don't be afraid to give GOD the glory for whatever happens! Don't be afraid to pray for and bless your enemies. And when they try to stop you, let the WORLD see them chop off your heads! Because where you are going, THEY CAN'T GO! Jesus said that doing so is like coals of fire raining down on their heads. FIGHT THAT SPIRITUAL BATTLE!

    USE the freedom of the Press. Start your own websites, newspapers, radio shows, podcasts, blogs. If you can't do that, WRITE letters to the editors. Call talk shows. PROMOTE the cause on your platforms. And, when they try to stop you, THAT IS REASON ENOUGH TO FIGHT!

    Sign those petitions. Start some of your own. Make sure they get to the right people. The signers of the Declaration pledged their LIVES, their FORTUNES, and their SACRED HONORS to give us these freedoms. Many of them died BROKE, HOMELESS, HEARTBROKEN, and SHAMED! But what they did LIVED ON IN US! The Declaration was a petition. When it was ignored, it was REASON ENOUGH TO FIGHT!

    So stop rationalizing, and start growing some balls.


    Tuesday, January 5, 2021


    Talk about a drastic transformation...

    EVERYTHING that I focused on last year, it's like...this year I turned it all off. Okay, well, almost everything. My life is totally different.

    While I am still concerned about what we are all concerned about, surviving and paying the bills and having something to retire on -- and living, how I am going about it has totally changed.

    I went from being a cook at a minimum wage job to being my own boss and working twice as much, bringing home a lot more, with a whole slew of new bills to pay -- so I really don't have much more.

    EXCEPT, I'm not stressed over the same things. AT ALL.

    I have more responsibility. More flexibility. More ambition.

    But, I still feel like I am missing an important part of myself that I should have. On the other hand, my desperation for that part of me is slowly fading away. If that makes sense. I've done without it up til now, so maybe it just isn't a part of me that I should have. Maybe it isn't really a part of me at all. Maybe it never was, and it was just a primordial longing that turned into a dream that I am waking up from. Finally. I am still me. I still refuse to NOT TRY to do things that pertain to my life and my future MY WAY. I refuse to listen to anyone who tells me I'd be better off doing something other than what I am doing. I refuse to stop doing anything I enjoy doing just because it is not something someone else would have chosen for themselves. I refuse to stop climbing, searching for a way to make the things that I love work for me.

    But, I am starting to find new things that I love to do.

    I don't spend NEAR the time on the internet that I used to, unless it is taking care of business. I spend every waking hour trying to find time to just sit back and think, whereas before I was constantly searching for things that took my mind off whatever I didn't want to think about. When I decide to pamper myself now, I do it with focus, because whatever I do for myself I really did earn. And, I guess I realize that no one else is there to do it for me. Someone has to. Life without some pampering at some point is not worth living. It's certainly isn't enjoyable not to touch the fruits of our labor.

    I look different. I'm dressing different. I am not the same person at all -- except...

    I am still the same person who gives all she has for something she wants. I am still the same person who would be willing let go of people and situations that don't need me re-arranging their existence by my presence and finding a way to not need theirs in spite of my grief over it -- whether it be a job, a person, or whatever situation.

    I am still the same person with the same determination to use what I have to the best of my ability where-ever I am in life to make the best of what I have in serenity and submission to the situation at hand.

    I channel my anger, and my strengths, searching for positivity to come through negative situations. I go into overdrive when I am under pressure and I go crazy when I am at an impasse, so that I am forced to change direction.

    My attitude has always been to look at a frustrating situation and say, "I can't have this? FINE. I'll find something better for me to have, and I will STILL end up where I am heading!" (even though that isn't always true).

    And, I have rarely ever regretted it.

    Change. It's inevitable. But DANG what a change lately!