Thursday, February 27, 2020


Hello, World!

I remember, a few weeks ago, jokingly telling a friend that I had no self-control. The truth is, I have more self-control than anyone I know. But, I also have difficulty maintaining my self-control when I see it more as an option than an action. In fact, the main difficulty, I have found, in having self-control is the decision whether or not to see it as an option.

For instance: when I am around a mountain of chocolate, my mind goes into overdrive. Should I partake or not? Self-control as an action is saying "Sure, but just a bite or two." But, my mind starts rationalizing, "Who am I trying to impress anyway?" and "AH! The JOY of being single!" So, I dive in.

On the other hand, I do have priorities, like paying my bills. So, no matter how much I want to spend at the online casino, I have to be very careful -- and I am pretty responsible...sometimes to a fault, where it matters.

I can't say I've always had such self-control, though. Find something (or someone) I am willing to give up everything for, and game is ON. Or, was. I have learned that NO ONE on earth is worth giving up everything for -- except MYSELF.

Sometimes I wonder whether that makes me selfish...or smart. Some lessons of the past were just too hard learned to be ignored.

I guess I'll find out how much self-control I have when I quit smoking again in April.

Ya'll have a blessed day!

Wednesday, February 26, 2020

Gaining a level of wealth

I came across this video on Youtube, and decided to watch it to compare it to what I am already doing to see if I am on the right track.

In it, Dave Ramsey gives 5 pieces of advice in order to create wealth.

1. Make a budget

I got that one mastered. Of course, the hard part is forcing yourself to live by it. But, 90% of the time, I do a good job of that.
There is no accounting for emergencies. Crap happens. That is why you should put in your budget a plan just for just in case.

2. Get out of Debt

Dave demonstrated cutting up the credit cards. But, a level of credit CAN be a good thing (like when you are buying a home and need to have a good credit score -- yeah, been there). But, the trick is, have more money in your bank account than you owe on your credit card.

Some people don't have enough self-control to accomplish this. Some people just get into a crisis and the credit cushions them. But, if at all possible, learn self control and stay out of trouble.

I'd like to say I've mastered that, but all I've mastered, really, at this point is not going over my credit limit. My recent bout of unemployment and pending medical bills put me behind in this area, but it is my goal to solve this problem.

3. Foster High Quality Relationships (you become LIKE the people you hang out with)

I stopped hanging out with people who have no self-control when it comes to spending money. If it costs me money to hang out with them, I don't. And, if I have to look flashy in order for someone to like me, they aren't worth it. I am ME. And, I have limitations. Keep proper boundaries, and only hang out with people who respect AND encourage them.

4. Save and Invest

I have a savings account. At this point, I am rebuilding it, and don't have much in it. But, I have committed to add SOMETHING to it, even if it is only $5.00 each month.

I also have an investment account. I try to put just as much in my investment account as I do my saving account. I also invest "free money" (money from tips, gifts, money I win, money I got that didn't cost me anything to get). I figure if God gave it to me, I need to grow it.

5. Be generous. God loves a cheerful giver.

God gives you an abundance so you will share it with those in need. So, if you have MORE THAN YOU NEED, why hoard it? Give it to someone who can use it. This isn't just about money. This is about food, clothes, shelter, and anything else God has been gracious enough to provide you with. The more you give, the more you are blessed. This is a lesson I have learned over and over again.

I am not rich. I do have the potential to become wealthy. But, I have to consciously work on it.

One of the smartest things I ever did when I was making more than enough money, I paid off all my debts and put the extra money in savings. I arranged all my bills so that if I ever got into the position that I HAD to live on minimum wage, I could make it.

I am SO glad I did that!

My goal is to be able to make it on whatever social security I will get when I have to retire. When I get my house paid off, that will help.

In the meanwhile, I am investing some of my extra monies into mutual funds and my savings account.

My tip money and any "won" money I get gets invested into the stock market. I figure if I am going to gamble, I'm going to do it wisely.

It saved my butt during my last period of unemployment.

My Avon money gets re-invested into my Avon business and my savings account.

Check out the video!

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

A Day in the Life

Hello, World!

As of yesterday, I have all my loans taken care of. (Well, one is still waiting in an envelope in my desk, but it's not in the bank and it isn't in my purse so I won't spend it).

My bathtub faucet has sprung a leak and I had to turn the hot water off that goes to my bathroom sink and tub as a result. I am now stuck with taking showers until I can afford a plumber to get it fixed. I don't like taking showers because the water pressure isn't enough to wash my hair with.

Yesterday I delivered all the Avon I had, except for the one I have to deliver on Thursday. And, I went to the bank to deposit my check.

I played some slots today. I think I'm burned out on slots now. (or is it "bummed out?"). Yeah, I didn't win anything. I've decided it's okay for once a month fun, but not something I need to do often.

I put in my application for a much higher paying job that provides benefits. I love my job at the Pitt Grill, but I really need to get some of my debt paid off. I can't do that barely scraping by. I took the advice of a friend...after taking a deep breath and thinking about it.

Ya'll pray for me, I need this!

I went and ate at the Dixie Diner yesterday. I took the opportunity to leave some Avon books with the staff there. The food was great! (I LOVE the rolls!)

I watched the latest episode of 9-1-1 Lonestar today, and then Episode 1 of season 15 of Ancient Aliens.

I made a glass of tea and sat it on an upside down bucket by my bed and took a nap after that. The alarm went off on my phone and as I reached out to grab it off my table, Milo jumped out bed, bumped into the bucket and tea spilled everywhere. I had to get out bed, then, to clean up the mess. Sigh...I just washed clothes. Now I've got two towels in the dirty clothes hamper.

I cleaned most of the kitchen today. The humidity has all my salt shakers clogged up.

Ya'll have a blessed day!

Saturday, February 22, 2020

God of Miracles

Hello, World!

It's been about five days since I posted last on my blog here. Figured I would catch you up on my goings on...

I finally received my tax refund. WooHOO! But, the reimbursement for my fines that I paid for the Individual Mandate on insurance in 2017 and 2018 was not included.

I called the lady who did my taxes for me, and she explained that she has me on a list of people to call as soon as she is able to get the forms, because I have to file a claim to be reimbursed. So, now I am just waiting for her call. I'm looking at getting back another $800 when I file.

I went to my mom's to pay off the loan she gave me. I did not realize I had borrowed as much as I did, but it is paid off, none-the-less.

I have two more loans to pay off, and as soon as one comes home from vacation, she'll get hers. As soon as I can get stamps (Monday) I'll mail off the last one. WooHOO! THAT is SUCH a weight off my back!

Now to get rid of these hospital bills...

I am ready for warmer weather. I plan to take my computer and my Avon bucket OUT OF THE HOUSE more once the weather warms a bit. In the mean time, I am selling a little here and there. Yesterday, I collected $40 worth of sales out of my bucket and order deliveries.

I have more to do on Monday. I have a total of $150 worth of deliveries this campaign.

BTW, Monday and Tuesday are my days off this week. So, I'll be taking care of business on those days for sure!

Last week, someone drove their car through the wall and window at my job, the Pitt Grill, where I work. A friend sent me a photo of it and I immediately went into panic mode and called my boss, who assured me it would be taken care of before I got to work that night; and, yes, I still had a job. No one was seriously injured (THANK GOD!)

We had an elderly gentleman, 97 years old, who is a regular who likes to sit with his family at the table where the driver came through. That morning, someone else was occupying that table. My boss, Miss Julie, directed him to sit at another table. Had he been sitting there when the incident happened, he might not have survived it. God was looking out for him that morning for sure! And, he KNEW it! The poor man was in tears, blocked in his booth until they could clear the rubble; but, he was unhurt!

You can't tell me miracles don't happen. I'm still praying for mine!

Yesterday, they finally repaired the wall back to it's original condition with new brick. Until then, they had it cheaply boarded up so we could continue business. We are still waiting on a window and a new door.

Well, most of my friends are celebrating Mardi Gra. Ya'll stay safe. I have to work, so I'm sticking close to home.

Have a blessed day!

Monday, February 17, 2020

I've Always been Crazy

Good morning, World!

I found out that the Midget Wrestling event is going to be at the VFW in New Boston on April 9, as well as at the Arrow Bar in Texarkana on April 19. So, Luanne and I decided to change our day off to the 9th, because the VFW is closer to home. We are still looking forward to it.

I have also decided to go back to my tradition of trying out restaurants I've never been to before. I am looking forward to going to The Juicy Seafood that is going to be opening soon in Texarkana.

Yesterday, I decided to take the day off from my normal routine and binge-watch 9-1-1 Lone Star. I was hooked in the first 3 minutes. I watched 5 episodes before I decided I needed to rest because I had to work last night.

Then, I got to thinking. I have had friends tell me I think too much. I guess my last name isn't "Ponder" for no reason. Anyway, I started thinking about the people I interact with on a daily basis and how I might be perceived by my behavior. I laughed thinking of some of the people; but, others I was genuinely shocked; and, still others, I was ashamed at my behavior. I tell you, if you ever wonder about why certain people think about you the way they do, try putting yourself into their shoes with your interactions.

I came away with the knowledge that, while some relationships are where they should be, others definitely need behavioral work on my part.

And, when all else fails, find a reason to laugh about it and chalk it up to being crazy. The Good Lord gave us hindsight for a reason.

I have sold $200 worth of Avon this campaign and will be putting in an order today. Don't forget to get YOUR order in!

Well, back to my routine...

Ya'll have a blessed day!

Saturday, February 15, 2020

Sweet Valentine's, Casino Slots, Money and the Pitt Grill

Hello, World!

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I didn't celebrate it much.

About 7:30 yesterday morning, Gary knocked on my bedroom door. I opened the door and he said, "I'm not feeling well. I have pains in my chest. My left arm aches, my toes are going numb, my head feels funny..."

I said, "Do you need to go to the emergency room?"

He said, "I think so."

So, I took him to Christus St. Michael ER. We sat there until around noon, while they ran blood tests and did EKGs and gave him pills. Finding nothing to cause his discomfort, they set a doctor's appointment for him on Tuesday and sent him home.

It wasn't how I wanted to spend my Valentine's Day; but, I did have the presence of mind to take my computer with me to the hospital to occupy my time as they worked on Gary.

My manager messaged me to let me know a loyal customer had brought us all at the Pitt Grill a special Valentine's treat, and I informed her of where I was and that I would be sure to come get it when I left the hospital.

Mr. Larry's wife fixed us up some beautiful (and yummy) Valentine's Day cupcakes and packaged them up for us in a beautiful plastic red container.

I told a friend, later, after showing him the picture, "Not that I am griping or anything...I happen to prefer chocolate over flowers any day...but whoever thought of giving women candy for Valentine's Day must have also came up with the idea that if they keep their women fat, no one else would want her."

He adamantly maintained that that was not true, though.

Of course he did. LOL

I used my tip money that I earned last week to play some slots at the casino. I figure it is free money to play with.

I should be getting my Income tax money in the next few days. I am SO looking forward to that! I keep checking my Emerald Card and keep being disappointed it isn't there yet, though. I am looking forward to paying off some loans.

I have to go back to work tonight. I'm looking forward to working another week at my job. As long as I am working, I am not spending money.

Not to mention, I'm looking forward to another one of those Real Man Burgers...I'm hungry. LOL

Ya'll have a blessed Saturday!

Friday, February 14, 2020

Rules, Socialization and Avon

Hello, World!

I am off work Thursday and Friday night at the Pitt Grill.

So, Thursday (yesterday, when I got off work after working Wednesday night) I went to Flower Acres to get some produce that the Harvest Food Bank truck brought. There was a line so long, they had to change the route to how to get there. And, because the cars in line refuse to follow the rules (Don't block driveways, Stay on your side of the road, and don't throw trash out the windows) I was informed that the cops may shut down the Free Produce Give-away that happens twice a month.

It's sad that people don't follow the rules and ruin it for people who do. There are families who DEPEND on those extra groceries every month, and because of a few knuckleheads, they will have to struggle even harder.

I picked up a lot of Apples, breads, Eggs and potatoes this time.

Then, I went to Big Cheese Pizza on 7th Street for the first time to pick up my free pizza that H&R Block gave me when I went to do my taxes last week. I got another order as well and brought it home for the guys and me to enjoy, since the friend I was supposed to be having pizza with took a rain check.

I am currently trying to get my manager to let me and my co-worker, Luanne have at least one night off together during the week so we can go out and play bingo one night, or do other things together. Luanne and I are both tired of living secluded lives.

Someone broke the seal on one of my men's colognes the other night, trying to smell it. It has all leaked out and now my Car smells like Prima Noir. LOL

I guess it could smell worse. LOL

Ya'll have a blessed day!

Thursday, February 13, 2020


Good morning, World!

I just got off work and am now getting ready to enjoy my two days off!

Today I have to go to the bank. I am also going to make a trip to Flower Acres for some much needed produce. It's been quite a while since I have been able to do this.

Last night, I sold about $30 worth of Avon. My order total, not counting my bucket sales, has reached $125.

AND Avon has informed me that I have earned my spot as a "Premier Sales Associate", meaning I get 30% instead of 25% all year!

I was approached on the comments of one of my posts this morning by a guy wanting to talk to me on private messenger. I told him no. I don't talk to people I don't know on private messenger. I am a lady. I am not putting myself in a compromising position.

I checked his profile. Says he lives in Iraq.

Now, why on earth would I want to talk to someone a world away? Smells of SCAM to me. Nope. Not stupid. NOT doing it.

Which reinforces my determination to not talk to people I don't know on private messenger.

Look, I put myself out there online. People who REALLY want to get to know me knows everything they need to know about how to meet me in person. I don't do online romance. I REFUSE to have long-distance relationships. And, I am SURE not going to be falling for some dude I've never met. NOT HAPPENING, so DON'T EVEN TRY.

I've learned my lesson on giving too much online that way...doesn't feel good when you find out you are ONLY a facebook friend. I want REAL.

Ya'll have a blessed day! MINE IS!

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

Not Looking for Love

Hello, World.

I get SOOO tired of hearing, "God is going to send someone who is going to love you like NO OTHER and you will live happily ever after."

I'm sorry, but ya'll just don't get it.

I am not looking to have a relationship.

Yes, I thought about it. Yes. I considered it. I even stepped out to try to see if maybe I needed one.

But I VERY QUICKLY realized that I do not want a relationship just for the sake of having a relationship. I don't want just ANY man in my life. I don't NEED a Prince Charming to come and rescue me. And I SURE don't want to put myself out there so some guy thinks he's going to score with me when that is not going to happen. I am NOT desperate. I am not needy. I am not co-dependent. I am not lonely. I don't want to USE anybody. And, I don't need some man to pay my bills for me.

IF I EVER DO decide to have a relationship with someone, it is going to be with someone that I have been friends with for long enough to get to know what I am getting myself into. AND, it is going to be with someone who is easy to hang with, fun to be around, and has a heart of gold. Someone who understands exactly what it means to love somebody, and who doesn't make me feel pressured in any way shape or form. It is going to be with someone that I KNOW loves me past their sexual urge, and someone I feel I can trust beyond all measure, and who I feel deserves beyond a shadow of a doubt all I have to give. It is going to be someone I RESPECT.

AND the ONLY way that will EVER happen is with someone I have spent TIME with and built some history with.

If a man doesn't know how to be a good friend FIRST, then it will NEVER happen.

Yes, maybe God will provide such a man. Then again, maybe He has other plans for my life. Not EVERYBODY has a soulmate, and even if they do, not all soulmates fall in love and get married.

IF that ever happens, he will be someone who loves me just for the way I am, and doesn't see the need to try to change me, and isn't looking for Miss Perfect. I don't need perfect. I need GENUINE. I need REAL.

Of all the men I know who even come CLOSE to fitting that bill, none of them are available, so I am content right where I am at.

It would take a miracle for me to have what I really want, and until I can have it, I REFUSE to settle.

At least that way, I'll know it's GOD and not ME when and IF it ever happens.

So, stop trying to "console" me. I don't need consoling. Stop thinking I am less than whole. I assure you, God made me WHOLE. Stop thinking I just need to find someone and get laid. It don't work like that. Stop trying to come on to me thinking that just because I am available I am naive and easy. My availability depends on what I think you are worth to me.

And, believe me, if I ever JUST want to get laid, I'll be the one approaching you, not the other way around. As it stands, I've done without it long enough to know I don't have to have it.

I love myself too much to let any man turn my life upside down again. If he doesn't ENHANCE my life I have no use for him.

Make me laugh. Give me a reason to wake up in the morning that I don't already have. I like my life. Make me feel like my life would be BETTER with you in it. Believe me, that isn't easy to do with someone who is happy and content and has worked as hard as I have to get there. It is not something I will ever willingly give up or let anyone "disrupt".

Just saying.

Sunday, February 9, 2020

Midget Wrestling

Hello, World!

I had a great night last night at work. I absolutely love working with Luanne. She and I keep each other awake all night long. Time just seems to go by faster when she is there. LOL

She has been telling me how she and I need to go for a girl's night out one night. So, I told her about the Midget Wrestling event at the Arrow Bar on April 19 at 8 PM. She said, "Let's do it!" So, this morning, we both told our manager, Julie, "We both need April 19 off!"

We also told some of our regular customers who came in. They decided they wanted to go to. So now, there are people we can sit with and have fun. I decided to invite a few other folks to join us as well. It's gonna be fun!

Midget wrestling? LOL What a way to make some memories...LOL. Luanne asked me if I wanted to go to WalMart with her this morning. I kind've gave her "the look". She said, "Yeah, we can race our shopping carts around the store..." I laughed. I told her my idea of making memories didn't include getting banned from WalMart. LOL

Anyway, I am looking forward to a night out. I have two months to plan for it.

Ya'll have a blessed day!

Friday, February 7, 2020

I Get My Tax Money Back! WooHOO!

Hello, World!

I had a WONDERFUL day today.

I already have nearly $100 worth of orders for Avon from the recent mail-out I did. Still got lots of calls to make, as that is only 2 out of 42 customers 50 customers so far.

I slept REAL good last night for a change. Actually took a 4-hour nap yesterday, then stayed up until I couldn't stay up anymore and went back to bed. I slept a whole 7 1/2 hours then! I feel REFRESHED!

I took a bath and got dressed in a knitted sweater top today, then drug out my favorite winter camouflage coat and took a trip to my H&R Block to get my taxes taken care of. I actually will get enough money back this year to pay off ALL my loans, get my oil change done, and go play a little bit!

AND...get this...(THANK YOU MR. TRUMP!) Since the Supreme Court ruled that the AHCA's Individual Mandate (where you had to pay a fine for not having insurance) was UNCONSTITUTIONAL, the IRS sent a memo last week to H&R Block to tell them to refund my fines I paid in the last few years. That means I'll be probably getting around another $600 or so back as well! WooHOO!

The lady asked me if I wanted to donate $3 to the President's Campaign Fund. I said, "I USUALLY say NO. But, you know what? I REEEEALLLY like Trump! So, PLEASE DO!"

I celebrated today by going to The One Buffet to eat.

I am back home now.

Ya'll have a blessed day. MINE SURE IS!

Thursday, February 6, 2020

Not Perfect

Hello, World

Today, I've been resting. I have made it a point to do absolutely nothing.

There is a lot I know I should be doing, and, later, I may get bored enough to actually do something, but so far, I've done absolutely nothing.

And, I've enjoyed it.

I've kept myself busy surfing the internet so I don't think about things too much.

I've listened to the President's remarks at the National Prayer Breakfast. This made me think about what being a Christian is really about, when at one point the President admitted that it was hard for him, as a Christian, to not hate some people. He said he was learning, and it was hard, and he admitted he wasn't there yet, but he was trying. It's hard to love people when they are actively trying to destroy you in your face.

I see comments on Facebook all the time from people who judge Trump, accusing him of being the opposite of Christian -- basically condemning him to hell (as if that is their job). I've heard friends talk about the reason they don't support Trump is that he is a hypocrite because his wife was a nude model and he has no respect for women.

Yet, on February 4 I heard him champion women during his speech. I heard him apologize to women about it taking so long to give them the credit they deserve in the workplace. I heard him thank his wife for all she had done as First Lady and the support she has given him.

I have to admit, I didn't vote for Trump because he repelled me as the person I knew him to be.

But, today, I am reminded that when you accept Christ into your life, you become a new creature. The old has passed away and all things are made new. The person Donald Trump was before he was elected as President is not the person he is now. And, as a Christian, it is not my job to judge who he used to be, because that person no longer exists. It is not my job, even, to judge who he is, because God is actively working in his life to change him. It is my job to encourage him in who God wants him to be. It is my job to applaud his effort.

The man is clearly doing the best he can.

And, so am I. Who am I to judge anyone? I'm clearly not perfect. If some people knew what I've done even during this past year, they would probably lose all respect for me as a person. I praise God that He loves me enough to see me for who I can become rather than who I am, and that He loves me, anyway.

God knows my heart. He knows my reasons. He knows my struggles. He knows my pain. And, He is giving me the strength to gradually become better than I was.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

Have a blessed day!

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

Waiting for a Miracle

Hello, World.

God has done it again.

Ya'll know I've been praying for a miracle.

It's easy to wonder why God doesn't answer my prayer. It's easy to become insecure because it seems as if He doesn't hear my prayer. But, today, God sent me another message through Rick Warren. It was God speaking loud and clear. I REALLY needed this!

What I heard God say to me through this was "Don't give up".

I sat here and took notes.

When in God’s Waiting Room

1.There are some things we only learn through waiting.
2. Remember No is not the same as “Not yet”
3. Five things to remember when you are in God’s waiting room:
A. There is a natural delay between planting and harvesting Ecclesiastes
B. There is an unseen battle going on. A spiritual war. You are right in the middle of it. When you send up prayer there is a battle about how that prayer will be answered and satan will throw darts at you while you wait. Daniel 10 A delay is not a denial
C. God is preparing you for His blessing. 1 Peter 1:6-7 Waiting is always a test. Romans 8:24-28
D. You are in good company: Hannah, Joseph, Moses, Abraham and others.
E. Remember God always keeps His promises.
4. Things to do while in the waiting room:
A. Write down the things that you learn. Study them. Remember them. God has some things He needs to teach you before He answers your prayer. The way to the Promised Land is through the Wilderness. Moses kept a written record of Israel’s progress during their 40 years in wilderness. If you don’t learn the lesson, you will have to take the class again...and again until you do.
B. Act as though you already have it. Don’t wonder, worry and whine. Mark 11:24 Waiting is not passivity. Be prepared to receive it. Abram’s name was changed to Abraham, meaning “father of many nations”. He wore that name for 25 years before Isaac was born.
C. Imitate the habits that grow strong faith. Use the time while you are waiting to develop personal maturity. 1 Peter 1:6-7, Philippians 4:9 We all learn best by great models.
D. Don’t put your life on hold. Waiting is not idleness. Waiting is the time to develop the habits and skills that you are going to need later on.
5. Five Habits to do while in the waiting room
A. Keep praying
B. Keep serving
C. Keep having fellowship with others of faith.
D. Keep on sowing your seeds.
E. Keep on believing.
6. Trust God instead of panicking. God is never in a hurry. God is never late. Trust God’s timing.

Check out Rick's message on waiting for what you are praying for!

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

Hot Flash Woman

Hello, World!

I had to run my A/C today. It was muggy. I am having hot flashes. Getting old sucks. And, tomorrow, they are predicting snow. Really???

Well, this IS Texas. LOL

Yesterday, I went to the bank and ran Gary all over town. Then, delivered some Avon. It's a wonder I was able to get some rest before work last night.

My manager at work is awesome though. I might get frustrated sometimes, but she pulled me over to the side yesterday just to thank me for working so hard. I really DO try to do everything I am supposed to before she comes in. I love the challenge of trying to make sure she doesn't have anything to tell me I missed when she comes in in the morning. If she DOES find something for me to do, I usually learn something I didn't know before. Very seldom do I forget to do something -- but it does happen occasionally. Seldom, but occasional.

Praying for a blessed night at work tonight!

Ya'll have a blessed night, as well! (And, come see me at the Pitt Grill! We need the business!)

Sunday, February 2, 2020

Learn How To Overcome Your Failures Through God's Mercy

I fell asleep around 10:30 this morning. I was listening to Rick Warren's YouTube channel. I was sleeping good. Then, Rick Warren quoted a paraphrased Bible Quote that forced me awake. I had to look it up to see what he was talking about.

Proverbs 24:16
“For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief.”

Rick was talking about failures, and how God KNOWS, even EXPECTS that we are going to fail. Even after we get saved. Sin is a habit. It is not our failures that will keep us out of heaven.

I needed to hear this. I guess God knew it. I guess it's why I am wide awake listening to the whole message now.

I fail sometimes. It devastates me when I do. I spend so much time afterward being depressed and beating myself up. I will never be perfect. I will always backslide back into my misery. I can't trust myself. I can't trust my own judgment.

But, I can trust God's. I can trust that Jesus took my nails. I can trust that even when I fail, even BECAUSE I fail, God has a way through me to reach others for Christ.

God was clearly talking to me. He was saying,

"Shonda, Shonda, Shonda...

You think you are so smart. You think it's your job to punish yourself. You think I can't carry the load you bear. But, I already have.

I know you aren't perfect. I knew what you were going to do. I gave it to you to prove to you that you can't be everything to yourself. That's MY job.

I know your heart. And, I know that, in spite of it, you are going to fail again.

I love you, anyway"

Yeah. I'm sitting here in tears.

Jesus told Peter

Luke Chapter 22

31 And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired [to have] you, that he may sift [you] as wheat:

32 But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.

Jesus prayed that his faith would not fail -- not that HE wouldn't fail; so that, when he DID fail, and he "converted" he would come back and encourage his brothers.

The word "converted" means having been adapted to be suitable for a new purpose. God uses our failures to show us His love.

The Girl You Think I Am

Hello, World.

I've had people, in the past, worry about talking to me because they are afraid it will go on Facebook. As if everything I do or say or experience ends up in my blog or on Facebook. Trust me, the internet couldn't fit all that goes on in my life each day.

If I told the world everything about my private life, it would probably shock most of you to think that I actually do have a life outside the internet. I talk to numerous people through-out the day. (Being an Avon sales rep, I kind of have to). I also talk to friends and family a lot. There are things that I hear and experience that I would never put on the internet, simply because ... well, frankly, it's no one's business. And, it certainly isn't MY place to tell someone else's story.

I'm probably not even the same person you think you know just from reading my posts. LOL.

I don't lie about anything. I just have a different "perceived" personality, I guess.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I try to be who I am on AND off the internet. But, people still have their own perceptions.

It may be so in the restaurant business, but in actual life, perception is NOT everything.

Anyway, if you see me in person, don't turn and run off scared. I may say "I met a friend today" but I would NEVER tell anyone WHO that friend is without your permission. And, I don't repeat things I hear you say. I only talk about things that happen to ME, personally. Even then, I rarely mention names unless, as I said, it isn't going to cause a fuss.

That way, you can pretend it wasn't you.

Have a blessed day!

Saturday, February 1, 2020

You Reap What You Sow

Hello, World.

I have come face to face with myself over the past few days in such a way that it has made me realize why I am where I am in my life.

Sometimes, God allows the past to creep up on us. Satan will use it to tempt us to veer off the set course we are on and disrupt our peace. He dangles possibilities like a carrot on a stick, and when we finally reach the carrot, we find that it is old and sour and has lost the flavor that made it so enticing to begin with.

I spent five years of the last six learning to depend on God completely. I was happy. I looked forward to seeing what each new day would bring. I was filled with ambition and determination and I learned how to love on a different level. I had no need for a secluded relationship with anyone else, and I didn't want one.

Gradually, I started seeing a carrot dangling in the distance. I started thinking "what if?" I even rationalized that maybe God thought I was ready for it, and was putting it in front of me for a reason.

He was. But, not for the reason I thought at the time.

I went after the carrot with everything I had in me. That was my first mistake.

When the carrot tasted bad, I tried everything to make it taste better. I ended up getting a bad stomach-ache instead.

Then, I got angry at the carrot just for being there. Like, it was the carrot's fault it was so enticing. I threw it angrily on the garbage heap.

I know, that is so unfair to the carrot. I actually like carrots. I shouldn't have been so hard on the carrot. The carrot was just being a carrot.

Like I said, I got angry. Never mind that past experience has taught me that getting angry is self-destructive. So, I sought to replace the carrot with a juicier carrot. There were carrots in other places to choose from.

When I found a new carrot, I found that that one was just as sour tasting. My stomach was already upset, so I threw it away. I was still looking at the first carrot. I was still angry at the first carrot, so I didn't take it out on the second carrot. I just discarded it quietly.

Then, I went for a walk in the wild garden of life. I asked for carrots. Surely, I would find a carrot that was ready to be eaten. And, I finally came across a carrot that looked nice and my curiosity was peaked. How would it taste? I knew enough, at this point, to be careful about biting into it without testing it first.

Besides, my stomach was still upset.

My anger was subsiding, finally, though.

This new carrot had a sign on it that said, "Eat me. I'm good. I promise your stomach can take me." There was even a sample to try.

But, now, I found I wasn't hungry anymore.

The new carrot is better off waiting for someone who is hungry who will enjoy it more.

As for me, I realized that I had done without carrots for a long time before the first carrot came along. God had given me food that didn't upset my stomach until then. I didn't even crave the carrots during that time. I needed to go back to not looking at carrots. I needed to focus on the rest of the garden.

So, I went back to the first carrot and picked it up out of the garbage heap I had thrown it in, feeling guilty for being so disgraceful with it. I carried it over to some freshly tilled earth and carefully planted it there.

Maybe it will grow again. Maybe one day, that sour, bad-tasting carrot that upset my stomach will grow into a nice juicy carrot one day that is ripe for the picking.

Until then, I don't need to disrupt the comfort of other carrots. I don't need or even want a carrot right now after this experience. Instead, I need to find other vegetables to plant as well.

You reap what you sow.

Have a blessed day!