I Try

One of these days I am going to find a man who likes to talk. Someone who will tell me about himself. Someone who asks questions and answers them with more than two words or an emoji. Someone who doesn't make me feel like I am "intruding" on his life. Someone who actually wants me to be a part of it. Someone who takes being my best friend seriously.

I think I am finally ready for that.

I think I've been ready for that.

And, I've been saying I wouldn't settle for less than I want. But, the truth is, what I have always wanted always pushes me away. What I have always wanted is never there when I need him. What I have always wanted doesn't really show an interest in happily ever after. What I have always wanted uses me for his own gratification, and when it becomes too much, avoids me any way he can. What I have always wanted hurts me over and over again, thinking it is what is best for him. What I have always wanted doesn't want to give me a chance to be what I long to be with him.

If I actually got what I have always wanted, wouldn't that, then, be settling for less?

So, I have no choice.

Life is what you make it, right?

I have always been a go-getter. I give getting what I want everything I have, and it is always "too much". I don't feel I give too much. I feel I am not capable of giving enough, but it is always "too much" for him.

So, maybe what I wanted hasn't really been what I wanted. Maybe what I wanted really wasn't good for me. Maybe what I wanted has clouded my judgment and made me blind to actually giving something I needed the chance to become everything I hope for.

Maybe it is time I try something else, totally different, on for size.

Transformation sometimes means stepping out of your expected role in order to play another one. Sometimes it means throwing away the pattern that you sew your life by in order to stitch together another one.

I am ready for a new adventure.

I am ready to lock away the memory of the life I wanted in order to live the life I need. I am looking forward now and not back. I am not hoping for anything, except what God gives me.

And, I think I'm finally going to have to learn to play the same game with my past that has put me in this position in order to finally find the happiness that I am hoping for with someone worth having a life with.

So, to my past: I give up. You win. I hope you are happy.

And, to my future: Show me, because what you see is what you get. I am not going to be anything other than who I am. I hope you can live with it.