Hello, World!
On December 31, 2019 it is my anniversary for being single. I will have been single for a whole 6 years.
After a VERY abusive 5-year relationship, I finally did what I had to do to get rid of him, and focus on my relationship with God, and bettering myself.
During this time, I was delightfully surprised how God stepped up and took care of me, His child. He showed me time and again how much He loved and cared for me and how I was the "Lily of His Eye" (in reference to what Jesus said about considering the lilies of the field).
I began to think about what it would be like to have another relationship, and I was afraid to even try. Not because I felt all men were bad, but because I did not have anything emotionally to offer, and at this point, my standards were set on the highest rung. I wondered what would happen if someone approached me like that again.
When it happened, I felt a sense of suffocation and fear. I had come to like my life at that point, and I did NOT WANT CHANGE. I ran away from him as fast as I could. It was as if, when I found myself safely away from him, I was able to breathe and feel an overwhelming sense of relief.
I never thought I'd ever consider having a relationship with anyone. I did know, however, that if I ever did, it would have to be with someone I was friends with first. It would have to be with someone I respected highly, who I felt respected me as much. Someone that valued who I was and who I wanted to be as much as I valued who he was and wanted to be. And, finally, someone I knew loved me unconditionally and felt that more important than his desire to have me in bed.
These last few months have found me actively looking for such a man. I am still of the opinion that it would be a miracle to ever get what I want, but I am relieved to know that the possibility for such a miracle is actually attainable. I still find myself running away from "opportunity" when it suddenly appears out of nowhere. I have also found myself wondering if I was even deserving of having everything I want with the ONE I finally set my sights on.
As 2019 ends, though, I have finally decided that I really like my life the way it is. If I never end up with such a man as I want in my life, who passes all of the criteria of being the miracle I am looking for, then I am happy just where I am, without a relationship with anyone but God.
This year, I've felt as if God has distanced Himself from me. I KNOW that isn't true, but it sure didn't help when I had to change jobs again and lose all I was so proud to have. I had to down-grade in order to keep from drowning...but at least God has provided. And, all of the emotional turmoil I've been through concerning whether or not to be in a relationship only made things worse for me. But, God finally stepped back in the picture this week with a big "DUH! Shonda, you are DEFINITELY not as smart as you think you are!", thereby dramatically rescuing me from my self-absorbance and misguided focus once again.
It's been a journey. I am human. I am still learning. I still make mistakes. I still misplace my heart and my trust at times...and I still have the capacity to get hurt. I'm not sure yet how good or bad that is...but I am looking forward to going into 2020 to find out.
Yeah. I actually want to find out.
Have a blessed day!
On December 31, 2019 it is my anniversary for being single. I will have been single for a whole 6 years.
After a VERY abusive 5-year relationship, I finally did what I had to do to get rid of him, and focus on my relationship with God, and bettering myself.
During this time, I was delightfully surprised how God stepped up and took care of me, His child. He showed me time and again how much He loved and cared for me and how I was the "Lily of His Eye" (in reference to what Jesus said about considering the lilies of the field).
I began to think about what it would be like to have another relationship, and I was afraid to even try. Not because I felt all men were bad, but because I did not have anything emotionally to offer, and at this point, my standards were set on the highest rung. I wondered what would happen if someone approached me like that again.
When it happened, I felt a sense of suffocation and fear. I had come to like my life at that point, and I did NOT WANT CHANGE. I ran away from him as fast as I could. It was as if, when I found myself safely away from him, I was able to breathe and feel an overwhelming sense of relief.
I never thought I'd ever consider having a relationship with anyone. I did know, however, that if I ever did, it would have to be with someone I was friends with first. It would have to be with someone I respected highly, who I felt respected me as much. Someone that valued who I was and who I wanted to be as much as I valued who he was and wanted to be. And, finally, someone I knew loved me unconditionally and felt that more important than his desire to have me in bed.
These last few months have found me actively looking for such a man. I am still of the opinion that it would be a miracle to ever get what I want, but I am relieved to know that the possibility for such a miracle is actually attainable. I still find myself running away from "opportunity" when it suddenly appears out of nowhere. I have also found myself wondering if I was even deserving of having everything I want with the ONE I finally set my sights on.
As 2019 ends, though, I have finally decided that I really like my life the way it is. If I never end up with such a man as I want in my life, who passes all of the criteria of being the miracle I am looking for, then I am happy just where I am, without a relationship with anyone but God.
This year, I've felt as if God has distanced Himself from me. I KNOW that isn't true, but it sure didn't help when I had to change jobs again and lose all I was so proud to have. I had to down-grade in order to keep from drowning...but at least God has provided. And, all of the emotional turmoil I've been through concerning whether or not to be in a relationship only made things worse for me. But, God finally stepped back in the picture this week with a big "DUH! Shonda, you are DEFINITELY not as smart as you think you are!", thereby dramatically rescuing me from my self-absorbance and misguided focus once again.
It's been a journey. I am human. I am still learning. I still make mistakes. I still misplace my heart and my trust at times...and I still have the capacity to get hurt. I'm not sure yet how good or bad that is...but I am looking forward to going into 2020 to find out.
Yeah. I actually want to find out.
Have a blessed day!
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