Destiny

Hello, World!

Today, I got some rest -- finally. It was forced rest, but it was rest, none-the-less.

When I came home from work this morning, I laid down, tired from work all night, and went to sleep. When I woke up, only 2 hours had passed by. I refused to get up, even though I was awake. I laid there and eventually went back to sleep. I woke up every two hours or so, and repeated the process until at least 7 hours went by. Now I am up.

I have now determined to move forward to take care of the business before me, as I have done in the past. I don't know if it will help me not think about things I really have no business thinking about anyway, but it's worth doing. If anything, it will help my finances.

I put in some of my Avon order today, and I have two deliveries I need to make on my next day off work. Hopefully, I can get that taken care of.

How do I feel? Really numb right now. I feel like God has played a practical joke on my heart. I have no reason to be angry or hurt, but the lesson on letting go of unfinished business created a sense of loss in me that is overwhelming. I have learned that there are some things in life that I cannot control no matter how badly I want to make something happen. I can make an effort, but if God doesn't think it should happen, my effort is futile. And, to try to force anything to happen would just complicate matters for everyone involved irreparably. It's just not worth pursuing, when I look at the big picture.

Besides, I still believe in miracles. I believe in a God of hope and restoration. I believe in a God of reparation and guidance. And, if He wants something to happen, I believe He will make a way where there doesn't seem to be one.

In the meantime, I will continue to do good as best I can, in spite of my humanity and imperfection.

As Mr. Langston said in his book (which I have not had time to finish yet...but will try to do so on my next day off work), "If you sit back and wait for it, your destiny will find YOU."

What will be will be.

Fred told me today, "Sweety, I love you and all, but you really do have a way of painting yourself into a corner..."

Perhaps. But, whole room looks better, anyway. LOL

Have a blessed day!

Seclusion

Hello, World!

Since the guys bought themselves a new television set to watch, I felt obliged to move all my computer stuff into my bedroom for privacy. Besides, they were starting to get on my nerves. LOL

I feel like I can breathe better when I don't have someone interrupting me while I work online.

Now, it's just the dogs. Milo, mostly. If he is out in the living room when I come home in the morning and come to my room to get comfortable, he'll stand at my door and say, "Ruff........ruff" in a real low tone.

This morning, I was sitting here and I heard the familiar, "Ruff.....ruff." So I said, "Why should I let you in?" He said, "RUFF!" I said, "Well...okay, but you have to say 'I Love You" first." He said, "Rowrowrowr" So, I had to let him in. LOL

Otis came with him.

Ginger, the cat wanted to come...but I don't trust her. LOL. She came to the door, though, and put her paw under it, and got the boys barking til I told them to shut up or I was gonna put them back out there with her.

Anyway...I'm healing from some anxiety that has taken hold of me due to overwhelming emotions I've been experiencing that I'm not used to anymore and it is causing me to lose sleep, or want to sleep all the time.

I've changed my supplement regimen to try to help that so I can work effectively, and it seems to do the trick...and getting plenty of "good" sleep helps. And, getting away from the triggers. I cannot abide negativity of any kind in my life right now...so I'm doing what I have to to fix it.

I want to be happy again.

I want to feel "normal" again.

And, the holidays are NOT helping.

So, I think this is gonna go a long way towards helping.

I thank God for my job. It came at the nick of time. And, for the friend who pointed out that I should go check it out. I had already put my app in, but this gave me an opportunity I needed to secure the job. The pay sucks, but my bills are getting paid.

A customer brought me a gift last night that really brightened my mood, also. I am coming to love all of the regular customers I'm meeting. Working at the Pitt Grill is starting to feel like being a member of a dysfunctional, but productive family. LOL

Well, ya'll have a blessed day!

Be Still and Wait

Hello, World.

I'm fixing to go to bed. I spent all night praying and working on my home projects and thinking...trying to make sense of life.

There is one thing that God keeps saying to me in a multitude of ways lately: "Be still and wait" "Wait on the Lord and do good." In other words, I may not have everything I want right now, but God is working on it. Until then, I just need to wait and trust that no matter what He does, it's in my best interest. I just need to keep being myself and if there is anything I can do to help make things easier, it's to keep doing good.

That should be enough to occupy my time.

I have to go back to work tonight. I am looking forward to being busy.

And mom doesn't know about Christmas...so I may just be stuck at home like I was Thanksgiving...

Ya'll have a blessed day!

A Message to Women Everywhere

Women, HEAR THIS:

When you are in a relationship with a man, you are not ENTITLED to ANYTHING from him except his loyalty.

Too many women drag a man down into the mud and de-emasculate him to the point of not even trying anymore just because they don't get what they thought they should get out of the relationship.

It makes it hard on other women who might find what he has to offer attractive.

It isn't fair to anyone involved, INCLUDING you. So stop thinking you are entitled to being treated royally when you haven't earned it.

Women like YOU make women like ME ANGRY.

If some women would stop jumping into relationships for what they think they might get out of it and then becoming disappointed and throwing it away after running him down into the ground for something he can't control and is so far from who he is as a person, instead of carefully vetting the man they want before the relationship and getting to KNOW him on a deeper level before getting involved and appreciating him for who he is BEFORE the relationship starts, we'd see a lot more successful couples and higher quality men would be more available.

Just saying.

Insomnia, Yard Work, and Avon

Hello, World!

Lately I've had a LOT of trouble sleeping. Either I want to sleep ALL the time, or I can't sleep at all.

Last week, it was like all I wanted to do was sleep. I'd wake up for an hour and go back to sleep until time for me to go to work. This week, I can't sleep for more than 2 hours, then I'm wide awake...

Last night I did a lot of cleaning. I washed dishes, put away clothes, cleaned my room, wiped off cabinets in the Kitchen, and this morning, I decided to do some yard work as soon as daylight hit. I burned pinestraw, old boxes, and Avon books that I had not used that were old campaigns and piling up. Then, I came in, took a nice hot bath and laid down. I finally got about 6 hours of sleep.

When I woke up and came into the kitchen, there were bread crumbs and coffee all over the counters I just cleaned. Yes. I scolded my housemates, telling them I am not their mother OR their maid.

They apologized.

I got my Avon in to prepare for delivery. Avon sent me some stuff I didn't order. They didn't charge me for it. I even got three times the books I ordered. It's on my invoice, but I am not charged for it. Merry Christmas to me?

It would have been nicer if it had been some things I could use. I can definitely use the books, though.

It's cold outside, and I don't have central heat and air in this trailer. I sit in front of a space heater, wrapped in a comforter on the couch in front of my computer.

Gary needs me to take him to the store sometime today, and I am off work tonight.

I have taken all the stuff that has been ordered from Avon and not paid for during 2019 and put it in my "resale" box. We are now in Campaign 1, so it's time for a fresh start! So, if you have ordered anything you could not pay for or it has not been delivered for some reason, you might want to call me and get it before it gets sold.

Ya'll have a blessed day!

Bacon, Losing Weight and LOVE

Hello, World!

My size 18 pants are already getting baggy on me. I just went down from a 20. Not long and I'll have to find some 16s. I am not complaining. LOL Still got wear in them, though. At least I have room to move around.

This morning, I fixed me about 3 bacon strips to snack on at work. After eating them, I wanted more. LOL

I told my co-worker about my recent bout with my gall-bladder, how I had suffered with it for nearly 5 years not being able to eat bacon.

"So," I told her, "I REALLY appreciate every bite I take when I eat it! I savor the taste of it, and take the time to enjoy each bite, and I thank God that He let me live to enjoy it!"

Bacon. One of the "little things" in life that is appreciated immensely!

I have learned something, as 2019 is coming to a close, that I should probably add to the things I learned in my 51st year list: Loving someone does not require anyone's permission. Just because someone doesn't love you back is no excuse not to give your all with all you have to give. I have learned that the ability to love is not something that is there for someone else in your life. It is there for YOU. And, if God has given you the ability and the opportunity to love, then it is a blessing to be able to do so. After all, LOVE is not selfish -- at all!

WooHOO! It's Payday! I went to the bank, bought some sugar for my tea and then went to the bread store and for just $7, I got about 7 loaves of bread and 4 bags of Hamburger buns and about 25 assorted fried pies.

That should do us for the rest of the month.

Ya'll have a blessed day!

Mine is

"Connecting the Dots"

Hello, World!

What a great day! God is so good!

About 3 months ago I was approached by a pastor who is writing a book and asked me if I would write the "forward" for the book.

This is something I had never done before, but when God presents an opportunity to do something you've never done before, He always has a reason for it. I've already learned this well.

A little background on this is that the Pastor and I have never really spoken much on Social Media. He is and has been for awhile a Facebook friend. I know little about him except that he loves Jesus, works in missionary work, is well traveled, and has his own ministry.

He said, "God told me to ask YOU!"

So, naturally, I was a bit skeptical.

He said I could decline the request if I wanted to, but that he HAD to ask ME.

He hadn't yet finished his book. So, I told him that I would have to read the book before I decided.

A couple of days ago, he finally sent me the book.

During the last few months, I've had an experience in life that has left me questioning God's intentions with my life. I've, at times, felt like God was playing a practical joke on me. I keep holding on, regardless of how distant God has felt from me, because I firmly believe that everything in life has a reason; that God has a plan; and that ultimately, everything is going to turn out in my best interest according to God's will.

But, I am human, and I have felt as if God was sitting back and avoiding my questions.

Then, I read the first chapter. It's as if God was saying, "I know what you are thinking. I know what is in your heart. I understand why you are questioning me, so, let Me clarify...Oh, and BTW, I love you. Just sit back, relax and wait."

As Mr. Langston said in his book,

"If you are willing to wait, your destiny will find you. THAT, you can be sure of!"

Destiny: the idea that you are going to end up where God means for you to be, regardless of where you think you should be.

So, I'm floored. And, I feel now that God did, indeed, tell him to ask me to write the "Forward".

And I am filled with JOY because God is NEVER as far away as He sometimes feels.

Have a blessed day!

Taking My Life Back

Hello, World!

On December 31, 2019 it is my anniversary for being single. I will have been single for a whole 6 years.

After a VERY abusive 5-year relationship, I finally did what I had to do to get rid of him, and focus on my relationship with God, and bettering myself.

During this time, I was delightfully surprised how God stepped up and took care of me, His child. He showed me time and again how much He loved and cared for me and how I was the "Lily of His Eye" (in reference to what Jesus said about considering the lilies of the field).

I began to think about what it would be like to have another relationship, and I was afraid to even try. Not because I felt all men were bad, but because I did not have anything emotionally to offer, and at this point, my standards were set on the highest rung. I wondered what would happen if someone approached me like that again.

When it happened, I felt a sense of suffocation and fear. I had come to like my life at that point, and I did NOT WANT CHANGE. I ran away from him as fast as I could. It was as if, when I found myself safely away from him, I was able to breathe and feel an overwhelming sense of relief.

I never thought I'd ever consider having a relationship with anyone. I did know, however, that if I ever did, it would have to be with someone I was friends with first. It would have to be with someone I respected highly, who I felt respected me as much. Someone that valued who I was and who I wanted to be as much as I valued who he was and wanted to be. And, finally, someone I knew loved me unconditionally and felt that more important than his desire to have me in bed.

These last few months have found me actively looking for such a man. I am still of the opinion that it would be a miracle to ever get what I want, but I am relieved to know that the possibility for such a miracle is actually attainable. I still find myself running away from "opportunity" when it suddenly appears out of nowhere. I have also found myself wondering if I was even deserving of having everything I want with the ONE I finally set my sights on.

As 2019 ends, though, I have finally decided that I really like my life the way it is. If I never end up with such a man as I want in my life, who passes all of the criteria of being the miracle I am looking for, then I am happy just where I am, without a relationship with anyone but God.

This year, I've felt as if God has distanced Himself from me. I KNOW that isn't true, but it sure didn't help when I had to change jobs again and lose all I was so proud to have. I had to down-grade in order to keep from drowning...but at least God has provided. And, all of the emotional turmoil I've been through concerning whether or not to be in a relationship only made things worse for me. But, God finally stepped back in the picture this week with a big "DUH! Shonda, you are DEFINITELY not as smart as you think you are!", thereby dramatically rescuing me from my self-absorbance and misguided focus once again.

It's been a journey. I am human. I am still learning. I still make mistakes. I still misplace my heart and my trust at times...and I still have the capacity to get hurt. I'm not sure yet how good or bad that is...but I am looking forward to going into 2020 to find out.

Yeah. I actually want to find out.

Have a blessed day!

New TV and New Computer!

Hello, World!

WOOHOO! 3 days off in a ROW after working 7 days straight!

My job is working out GREAT. My customers love me! (they tip the waitress AND the cook! LOL)

Today, I had to take Gary to the bank so he could pay me my rent money. He bought us all some fried chicken for supper, AND he bought a new Television set.

He was tired of Fred getting irritated at the computer and hearing us fuss because I keep warning him, "Don't you even THINK about throwing that computer across the room. You will NOT like the consequences!" LOL

BTW...I think I'm actually finally fixing to get another computer, myself! God is Good! (and so are great friends!)

I also have to go see someone in the next day or so about getting some pants they want to give me. WooHOO!

I've been taking vitamins again (Centrum, B-12, Turmeric Circumin and Magnesium. A potassium pill now and then.) I've had so much energy these last couple of days! Who knew a few supplements could make such a huge difference!

I feel pretty good too, emotionally and mentally.

My Avon got shipped to the wrong address. A lady called me this morning and asked me if I was expecting the package. When I went to pick it up from her home this afternoon, she brought out the box and said, "I hope you have an Avon book for me!" LOL Thank you, Fed Ex for the new customer lead!

Well, I'm going to spend the day relaxing and cleaning house occasionally for the rest of the day. Tomorrow, I might have a visitor (and my new, to me, computer!).

Have a blessed day! (and Merry Christmas to us!)

Thy Will Be Done

Hello, World!

It is an AWESOME day when you see God's hand in your life by way of the struggles you are going through.

It lets me know that no matter how bad I mess up, God is still there to guide me and love me in spite of my own stupidity.

The Bible says we are supposed to value proper counsel when we have problems we don't know how to handle. But, how do you know what things to seek advice for, and when is relevent to do so? AND most important, who do you seek advice FROM? And how do you know WHEN to?

If there is one thing I've learned, it's that, while God has all the answers, the Bible doesn't. HOWEVER, the Bible DOES give us direction on HOW to find the answers. And, seeking counsel is one of them.

Me? I just throw the question out there and see who answers. LOL...if it is an answer from someone I respect as wise and experienced, I take his/her advice. If it is from someone I am pretty sure doesn't have a clue, I ignore it. One of my former pastors said it was like "chewing the meat and spitting out the bones".

I guess this is where you pray for the Spirit of Discernment in order to tell the difference between the two.

If God wants me to KNOW the answer, He sends someone who has solid advice. And, God usually sends SOMEONE when there is something He wants me to learn!

I can always tell when God is talking to me. He always sends me a problem to solve in order to teach me what an idiot I am. When He does this, I'm like, "Wow! You really DO love me!" even if I still don't like what He has to say. It sure makes me more submissive to His Will, though.

Ya'll have a blessed day!