Moving on...

I am in the process of "transforming" myself into something better. I got a new hair cut, started wearing a little make-up, smiling more, engaging in more conversation, going out more, and a myriad of other things that make me different than I was two weeks ago.

I am in no way doing this because I am trying to find someone to be a companion to. I am, however, opening myself up more to finding friends. If I should ever find myself involved in a relationship, it is going to be with someone who I am best friends with, first.

And, I am not trying to be something I am not. I am -- more -- trying to become what I should already be. I was talking to a friend today who is trying to encourage me to go out and find someone. I have another friend who is trying to play matchmaker with me.

I am not interested. I really like my life.

A customer asked me tonight if I was aiming to catch a man with my new "do". I told him, "not at all." He told me if I didn't watch it, I would do it anyway. (He's happily married, so it was a "safe" conversation).

If there's one thing I've learned it's that suffering from heartbreak and suffering from loneliness are two different things.

If I go and get someone else because I'm suffering from heartbreak that's revenge. If I go and get someone because I'm suffering from loneliness that's desperation.

I'm not doing either. Either way it's not fair to the person I'm doing it with.

If I am seeking a relationship it's going to be one that is genuine and real. I don't want to give someone left-overs of who I am . I want to give someone special everything I am.

At least this way, I can honestly say that the man who passes me up has passed up something real.

And, if I never find what it is I am looking for I'll be just as happy. I am all I need to be for me. And, God is everything else.

Sometimes I Cry

Sometimes I mess up in my life. When I do, I find out that I have a choice to make - once it is all said and done.

I can wallow in my hurt, refuse to admit I had done wrong; grab hold of anything that defends my actions and keep trying to beat my head against a brick wall.

Or, I can focus on something else that is just as destructive to my state of being, try to do the same thing in a new setting and hope for different results. Go insane...

OR, I can give it to God. Turn back to where I know I should be and go from there. I can let HIM change the situation, remove me from the valley, become who I should be in spite of the pain -- until the pain is completely gone.

But, still, there are tears of regret and longing.

It is these times I find myself on my knees trying to make sense of it all; until I realize that I don't have to.

If God brought me to it, He will walk me through it. I realize, at this point, that the reason I am in the state of mind that I am in is because I should have not tried to take the lead. I should not have ventured off the path He set me on. I should not have tried to grab hold to what God had already put behind me.

Where ever He leads, I should follow. At least this way, I am safe from the potholes of life as He walks me around them.

I still need to heal from the consequences of my latest stupidity. But, I am allowing God to strengthen me for the journey ahead.

I am still alive. That is something. That means that God isn't through with me yet.

Thank God!

This song is totally me!

Overcomer

This post was originally written on October 19, 2015. Five years ago. Still true today for me, so I thought I'd share.

Broken? No. I never considered myself broken. I shook my fist a lot at a world that was unfair and deceptive. But, something in me just kept saying that life is what you make it. And, it's gotta start somewhere. The buck stops here. And, so forth.

I made the Bible my guidebook, even when I wasn't following Jesus the way I should have been. I trusted that there was a God and that He knew better than I did...or even my parents did. I determined to have faith, even when I didn't believe.

I saw things with the eyes of someone of scrutiny. I kept my back to the wall, and never went into a crowded place without knowing where the door was. And, I watched. I treaded the waters lightly.

Every now and then I would jump in head first, determined to sink or swim. Sometimes I thought I would drown...other times, I found a rock to stand on. All the time, I overcame the current.

At first, I was angry. My anger started turning to bitterness. Then, I realized that the sunrise on every new day was majestic -- and that beauty was in the eye of the beholder. I had a choice to make.

Life is what it is. Sometimes you sink, sometimes you swim. But, sometimes, if you just float, you can take the time to enjoy the scenery, breathe easier, smell the fresh air.

I chose to be grateful in spite of not having all I want. I chose to accept what I was given, rather than covet what would never be mine. I chose to love, in spite of the pain; to laugh, in spite of the tears. to get up and move forward, rather than to lay there and move nowhere; to earn, rather than to demand; to show love, rather than indifference; to forgive, rather than to expect, and to experience, rather than to fear.

I look in the mirror today and I don't see a survivor, The fact that I am still there in the mirror looking back at myself tells me that the struggle was worth it, and I am an OVERCOMER.

Ten Things I've Learned in My 51st Year of Life 2020

Every year I post the ten top things I learned sometime during my birth month. My birthday is October 30. I will be 52 years old. (Yes, I am not ashamed to post it, because everyone who knows me knows I'm real). This year is no different.

Here goes:

10. God is in control of everything. I already knew this, but this year I felt it BIG TIME...I did a lot of arguing and begging this year with God.

9. Letting go is the most unselfish thing you can do.

8. True friendships don't thrive on Facebook. True friendship can only be cultivated face to face.

7. When you make a wrong turn and the road leads you to an impasse, it's best to go back where you started in order to figure out where you went wrong, and go a different direction.

6. Your boundaries are what builds respect from others.

5. Boundaries are not to protect you from others, but to protect you from yourself.

4. The fire of true love never completely dies. It might fade into the background over time, but is easily rekindled under the right circumstances.

3. Sometimes the truth isn't enough.

2. You can't worry about what other people will feel about your decision to be happy. If they truly love you, then they will support your decision, even if it takes you away from them. Making everyone else happy doesn't do anything for your own self respect and ends in wishful thinking.

1. God is stronger than I am.

Not My Way

Today, I stood up. I dusted myself off. I determined that no matter the pain, I was not going to settle for playing second fiddle to what I deserve.

I may not get what I want by doing this, but at least I know where I stand. And, if I can't have what I want, then it only means that God has other plans for me -- even if they are not the plans I want Him to have for me. I know God knows what's best for me. I know that His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts, and I am an imperfect woman who serves a perfect God.

I also know that His plans are to prosper me and not harm me, to give me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11). Even if it isn't what I want right now.

I know that He counts my tears. He covers my shame. And, best of all, He fights my battles for me.

I also know that He answers prayers.

So, I stood up and stepped forward, putting one foot in front of the other and determined not to look back. I only want what is in front of me from now on.

I want what is with-in my reach.

And, just like what I left behind me, I want it RIGHT.

If what I come to from here on out does not fit my definition of what is right for me, I will put one foot in front of the other and keep moving on.

Maybe some day "right" will finally run catch up with me, or I will find it on my way. Until then, I will keep climbing.

Someone once told me that I always rise to the top no matter what I do. I am not just a bubble in the soda...No. I am the whipped cream on top. And, I aim to stay that way.

No one is going to drag my spirit down anymore.

I choose to be grateful, loveable, joyful, peaceful, and yes, still hopeful.

Looking for a Relationship with Me Rule #1: Hello Beautiful

This guy private messaged me: "Hello, Beautiful!"

How do I respond?

I ignore him.

Why?

When a guy says, "Hello, Beautiful" I know he is after something other than my personality, because he doesn't even know me.

Tip:

Get to know me. Go on facebook and check out my timeline. Start a conversation about something I posted in one of my groups. And be sincere about it. Don't just ask a question to get a response. Not happening. You have to peak MY interest.

"Hello Beautiful" is way over-used and just hits me wrong in the beginning. Too familiar.

After you get to know me well, THEN I'll be flattered if you still call me "Beautiful".

Control

An old friend of mine contacted me last night on private message. I was just about to go to bed.

It was a nice conversation, for a change. It was all words, granted, but it sure made me feel better.

There was nothing out of the way. No insinuations or promises to be broken. Just light conversation that was much needed probably for both of us.

And, a reminder of who I was.

I think I needed that more than anything. It's amazing how a simple, enjoyable conversation with someone can be so refreshing -- and how it can rejuvenate your spirit and remind you of where you are supposed to be.

I woke up this morning, still feeling numb, but I got up and moved around. I got in my car and took the trip to the bank with Pandora blairing Christian music in my headphones.

It was as if every song that came on was meant for me to hear.

It was God talking to me, telling me what I needed to hear.

And I prayed.

I prayed for forgiveness, and I prayed that God would make my reactions as they should be, and that He would revive my "want to". I told Him, honestly, "I don't know how to feel right, right now. I can't control my emotions. I know what is right to do, Lord, so I'm determined to do that, and I give the outcome to You."

The first song that played on Pandora today was "Control" by Tenth Avenue.

It was as if God heard me. It was God telling me He knew how I felt. He understood where I am. And, He loved me, anyway. Here were my instructions.

I know me. I know I am going to mess up again, eventually. But, I also know that He does too. And, He loves me, anyway.

Me and Jesus

Hello, World.

I got off work an hour ago and came home and realized that I needed to wash clothes. I don't have anything to wear that is clean tomorrow, and I have to work tomorrow.

I was going to go out and sell my Avon, but instead, I'm just going to sit home and relax -- and wash and put away my clothes.

I have decided to focus on my business when I am not at work. No more itching to go out with someone or hanging out with friends. Most people I hang around when I do go out are drama magnets, and I prefer the quiet solitude of just me and God.

And, every guy who has asked me out in the past two years either ONLY wants one thing from me that I can't give anymore without a commitment, or there is something else wrong with him. I'm just not into drunks, drug addicts, financially needy men, swingers, clingers, atheists, agnostics, entitled personalities or Democrats.

That kind've thins out the dating pool too much for me.

I'm just better off staying single and married to Jesus.

I refuse to be used. I don't have that kind of need. And, if I do, I'm not going to take it out in trade with some egotistical, over-confident, or emotionally (or otherwise) unavailable man.

And, my heart cannot take another beating.

So, I'm going to focus on me and God from now on. Maybe someday God will send the miracle I have been praying for. But, I hate to say it, time is no friend to me. And, I am to the point that I believe God doesn't want me to be anything but HIS.

Please save your "Just give it time" and "Don't give up he's out there" speeches. I don't want to hear it and I don't want to argue about it. I am HONESTLY NOT INTERESTED anymore, and it would DEFINITELY take a miracle at this point to get my attention.

I guess I'm just too old -- mentally at least.

So, I look forward to being happy again. There is nothing on earth that can make me more unhappy than wanting something I can't have, and finally losing hope. So now, I just won't hope again. I'm not strong enough to handle the negative consequences anymore.

This is not a pity party, so don't get the wrong idea. This is simply a decision. A FIRM decision.

I wish you all a very blessed day! MINE IS!

Tough: If You are Going through Hell, Just Keep on Going!

I was raised that unless I was too sick to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom on my own, I was going to go to school.

I was raised that if I didn't eat all my supper, I'd get it for breakfast.

I was raised that if I whined about anything, I'd get something from my mom to cry about.

I was raised that if I fell down and scraped my knees, rather than being coddled and babied, I was told to get up, dust myself off and keep going.

I was raised that if I didn't work, I didn't eat.

I was raised that if I made my bed, I slept in it.

I was raised that if I wanted something, I had to earn it.

I was raised that if I lost the race, there was no trophy to take home. The only recognition I was afforded was that I didn't stop until I crossed the finish line. If I stopped before then, I was labeled a "quitter" -- whether I won or lost.

I was raised to not have excuses. There is a solution to every problem. Where there is a will there is a way. (Some people wonder where I got my "stubbornness" from).

I was raised not to fight -- but if attacked, and I didn't fight back, I was busted again when I got home. And, if I got into a fight with family, I was forced to fight them until we couldn't fight anymore in the front yard. (Okay, that didn't happen, but it was threatened at one point...LOL)

I was raised that if I was working, and I was tired, not to complain until I was finished with my work. Tiredness was no excuse not to do what needed to be done.

And I was raised without praise for doing my chores. Why be thanked for what I should already be doing in the first place?

I was raised that the ONLY time I went to a doctor was if there was something I could not fix on my own -- like a broken bone, a concussion, or an illness that was getting worse no matter what I was doing, not better.

And a scar was just a permanent trophy of my toughness -- not my beauty, which went hand in hand with "never judge a book by its cover" and "beauty is only skin deep"

I was taught to face my fears and that if I am going through hell, to keep on going.

I have had people tell me I am the strongest person they know.

Well, this is why.

FYI: Toughness isn't something you are born with. It is something you learn.

To hear some people talk, all of the above could be considered child abuse. In my opinion, raising children who refuse to take personal responsibility who are weak-minded and full of complaints and thinking they are entitled is the worse abuse you could put on a child. The American Spirit only thrives in toughness.

Home School Champion

If I was still home schooling, I would have made it mandatory for my children to watch every minute of the Republican National Convention of 2020 AFTER watching the DNC 2020. Then, we would have discussed what we had heard and what their opinions were and why. We would discuss their concerns. I would see through their eyes, then I would give them mine as a result.

I recall when I stood before the Austin Commissioner's Court after Commissioner Karen Sunlightner remarked on television when my children were watching one day that "Homeschoolers are nothing more than trailer trash that don't even own property."

We lived in a beautiful 3 bedroom home with a big back yard that we were buying at the time. My husband worked for one of the biggest law firms in the country.

5 minutes later, I was standing before her demanding that she apologize to my children who were watching her -- while they were still at home, watching their mother defend them AND their education!

I told her that day, "Miss Sunlightner, I am raising my children to be LEADERS, not FOLLOWERS. THAT is why I home school!"

My 5 year old son met me at the door when I drove back into our driveway after. The look in his eyes as he ran and hugged me, I will NEVER EVER FORGET!

"THAT'S MY MOMMA!" they seemed to say!

If I had any question in my mind as to whether or not I did the right thing that day in front of my children, it was answered right then and there.

Below is a rendition of what homeschooling is like for COVID 19 parents. The difference between doing it because you want to and because you have to is right there. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I wouldn't trade the quality time with my kids for the world.

I was a REAL Home School Champion!