Control

An old friend of mine contacted me last night on private message. I was just about to go to bed.

It was a nice conversation, for a change. It was all words, granted, but it sure made me feel better.

There was nothing out of the way. No insinuations or promises to be broken. Just light conversation that was much needed probably for both of us.

And, a reminder of who I was.

I think I needed that more than anything. It's amazing how a simple, enjoyable conversation with someone can be so refreshing -- and how it can rejuvenate your spirit and remind you of where you are supposed to be.

I woke up this morning, still feeling numb, but I got up and moved around. I got in my car and took the trip to the bank with Pandora blairing Christian music in my headphones.

It was as if every song that came on was meant for me to hear.

It was God talking to me, telling me what I needed to hear.

And I prayed.

I prayed for forgiveness, and I prayed that God would make my reactions as they should be, and that He would revive my "want to". I told Him, honestly, "I don't know how to feel right, right now. I can't control my emotions. I know what is right to do, Lord, so I'm determined to do that, and I give the outcome to You."

The first song that played on Pandora today was "Control" by Tenth Avenue.

It was as if God heard me. It was God telling me He knew how I felt. He understood where I am. And, He loved me, anyway. Here were my instructions.

I know me. I know I am going to mess up again, eventually. But, I also know that He does too. And, He loves me, anyway.