I was sitting here going over my finances and I am behind on some bills for the first time in 5 years. It makes me feel really angry. If things had been different, and I had the support of the family that should have, I would not be facing the loss that I have incurred. Everything I have built in the last 10 years seems to be dwindling out of control. I am genuinely frightened.
I know that I could turn all this around if I had the capacity to work Uber and Lyft the way I did. But it looks as if it's going to be another month before I'm going to get my permanent tags. By then I don't know what else I'm going to be behind on. I don't even know if I'll have a business. And getting another job is not going to solve the issue because there is no job that is going to pay me what I get paid even doing the little bit that I can.
Not to mention, I just don't have the time.
However, I know that God is in control. I know that everything is going to work out according to His will. And I know that I just need to trust Him throughout it all.
I am allergic, literally, to stress. I think that is why I am feeling as tired as I have been feeling lately. It isn't like I've been working any more than usual. The only thing that is stressing me is that I'm just not making enough to cover all my bills right now. And I don't want to work more than 8 hours a day because that would incapacitate me. And I don't want to ask anyone else for help. I am tired of asking for help. I shouldn't have to.
I love my family. But I am very hurt right now that they would allow me to fall and not even try to help me. It isn't like I have never paid them back for every penny they have ever given me. It isn't like I haven't thanked them enough when they did. It isn't like I'm wasting everything I make on drugs and partying. I never have time to do any of those things. And now, I just think it's best that I stay away from them until I get back on my feet with all the stress behind me. After all, if they had been there for me to begin with, I wouldn't have to work as hard to get back on my feet.
Things happen. Emergencies happen. It isn't like I planned any of this. It isn't like I put myself in this situation on purpose. This could have happened to anyone. And I am not blaming them for my situation, but it was not my fault that I encountered this situation. To blame me for my problem right now is like saying well, you shouldn't have become sick. Or, you shouldn't have been at the grocery store when the robbery happened. Things just happen.
If I was dying in the hospital bed, I wonder if my family would even care. They certainly don't care about the quality of life that I have right now. And they don't realize how much I stand to lose because they refuse to help me when they have the opportunity.
You can believe that I will never ask them for help of any kind ever again. I will never put myself in the position to get hurt by them again. I have had enough grief and stress. And I will do everything in my power to make sure that I have a better Plan B, C, D and a little extra in the future.