Some people really don't like my opportunistic nature. I seek out and take every opportunity God gives me. Because of this, I have survived tough battles in my life, sometimes at great personal cost.
But, I do not regret ever taking ANY opportunity to better myself, or to survive! And, I have NEVER taken any opportunity that went against what God had taught me of His own nature and laws!
When I started working as a courier, it was definitely out of my comfort zone, but I searched in prayer for anything that told me that God would not want this for me before I did it. I could find nothing about it that would make God mad at me, so I stepped out in faith.
I have never been happier!
When God sends someone who has food, even if I am not going hungry, I take it. My reasoning is, "whatever I can't eat, I can give to someone who needs it." When God sends me money, I take it. I invest it. I use it to help someone else in need. When God sends me someone to talk to, I use the opportunity to tell my story, and give God all the credit! When God gives me the opportunity to work, I take it. I learn from it. Sometimes, I have found it to be training for something better that comes along.
Had I never driven a car, or a bus, or a taxi, or delivered pizzas, I might not have felt qualified for what I am doing now. I might have let the opportunity pass me by. But, God knew back then where I would be today. GOD MADE THE WAY, I just followed it!
By doing so, I have let God write my story, and I LOVE telling it!
One of these days I am going to find a man who likes to talk. Someone who will tell me about himself. Someone who asks questions and answers them with more than two words or an emoji. Someone who doesn't make me feel like I am "intruding" on his life. Someone who actually wants me to be a part of it. Someone who takes being my best friend seriously.
I think I am finally ready for that.
I think I've been ready for that.
And, I've been saying I wouldn't settle for less than I want. But, the truth is, what I have always wanted always pushes me away. What I have always wanted is never there when I need him. What I have always wanted doesn't really show an interest in happily ever after. What I have always wanted uses me for his own gratification, and when it becomes too much, avoids me any way he can. What I have always wanted hurts me over and over again, thinking it is what is best for him. What I have always wanted doesn't want to give me a chance to be what I long to be with him.
If I actually got what I have always wanted, wouldn't that, then, be settling for less?
So, I have no choice.
Life is what you make it, right?
I have always been a go-getter. I give getting what I want everything I have, and it is always "too much". I don't feel I give too much. I feel I am not capable of giving enough, but it is always "too much" for him.
So, maybe what I wanted hasn't really been what I wanted. Maybe what I wanted really wasn't good for me. Maybe what I wanted has clouded my judgment and made me blind to actually giving something I needed the chance to become everything I hope for.
Maybe it is time I try something else, totally different, on for size.
Transformation sometimes means stepping out of your expected role in order to play another one. Sometimes it means throwing away the pattern that you sew your life by in order to stitch together another one.
I am ready for a new adventure.
I am ready to lock away the memory of the life I wanted in order to live the life I need. I am looking forward now and not back. I am not hoping for anything, except what God gives me.
And, I think I'm finally going to have to learn to play the same game with my past that has put me in this position in order to finally find the happiness that I am hoping for with someone worth having a life with.
So, to my past: I give up. You win. I hope you are happy.
And, to my future: Show me, because what you see is what you get. I am not going to be anything other than who I am. I hope you can live with it.
I just cancelled my Amazon Prime Membership. Whatever I need I can find elsewhere.
This is how we fight big Tech and Monopolies that can control our rights.
TAKE AWAY THEIR FUNDING.
I am 52 years old. There isn't a lot I am quaified to do to help the cause of Freedom...but EVERY LITTLE BIT I CAN DO, I WILL DO.
Amazon says, "Well, what about all the great prices our Prime Membership has to offer to those who are members?"
My prime membership costs me $15/month. That means I spend $180 per year just for the membership. I've bought about $300 off of Amazon in the past year. So my savings did not equal or surpass the amount I spent to save. It is not worth it for me to support a company that will take away my freedom of speech by destroying Parler.
Freedom is not free. I'll be happy to spend more and pay the price. My freedom is not for sell.
I also sold my Twitter stock. I don't want any part of it. I don't own any shares in Facebook or I would sell that too.
I was on my way in to use the restroom. He said, "How are YOU today, ma'am?"
I said, "I am blessed!" and was in a hurry to get to the restroom...
He mumbled, "I'm not."
I stopped, just long enough to rebuke him and say, "YES, YOU ARE. You woke up this morning. YOU are BLESSED." Then I ran to the restroom.
When I came out he was still there. I said, "You have ONE purpose in life. That is to glorify God. IF you woke up this morning, it is because God BLESSED you with a chance to do so."
Then I left.
I didn't have any cash on me. And, I'd already given my snack food to another homeless couple at a corner nearby. So, I feel I did what I should have, in telling him this.
Someone once said, "all that is needed for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing."
I see so many good men doing nothing. And it's not their fault. There would be a lot at stake for any man who takes action. It would not affect just him. It would affect everyone he loves. Everyone he has contact with on a daily basis. It would turn lives upside down. It would end life as he knew it, and he knows it.
It's easy to say, "when this happens...", Or "when that happens..." we would have had enough, but, the truth is, there is always a reason to wait just a little bit longer.
In this day and age there are too many consequences to taking action.
The problem is, action can still be taken for which there SHOULD be NO adverse consequences. Someone also once said that if you don't use your freedoms you will lose them.
I say it's time to use our first amendment freedoms to the fullest extent. And, when someone tries to stop you, that is reason enough to FIGHT.
So, if you are one of those who decide to be quiet when you hear someone say something you don't agree with, then YOU are part of the problem.
You don't have to be impolite about it. You don't have to be "forceful" or "abrasive" or use curse words and offensive language. You just have to say what is on your mind. You have to USE your freedom of speech. And when they try to tell you to be quiet, USE IT ALL THE MORE! DON'T BE QUIET. And when they try to FORCE you to shut up, that is REASON ENOUGH TO FIGHT.
A word of warning here: If you want to use your freedom to say what you think, then you need to be prepared to let others use theirs. That is why being POLITE about it is a MUST. Otherwise, you lose the message you were trying to convey. Others not agreeing with what you say is not a reason to fight. Others trying to STIFLE you from saying it, IS.
Voltaire once said, "I may not like what you have to say, but I will fight to the death for your RIGHT to say it!"
You also have to USE your freedom to assemble peaceably. Go to church. Go to rallies. Join in protests. Hold vigils. BUT USE IT. And, when the cops come and try to force you to disperse...THAT is reason enough to FIGHT.
You have to USE your freedom of religion. Don't be afraid to say "God bless the USA". Don't be afraid to whip out the "sword of the spirit" (Bible) in public. Don't be afraid to give GOD the glory for whatever happens! Don't be afraid to pray for and bless your enemies. And when they try to stop you, let the WORLD see them chop off your heads! Because where you are going, THEY CAN'T GO! Jesus said that doing so is like coals of fire raining down on their heads. FIGHT THAT SPIRITUAL BATTLE!
USE the freedom of the Press. Start your own websites, newspapers, radio shows, podcasts, blogs. If you can't do that, WRITE letters to the editors. Call talk shows. PROMOTE the cause on your platforms. And, when they try to stop you, THAT IS REASON ENOUGH TO FIGHT!
Sign those petitions. Start some of your own. Make sure they get to the right people. The signers of the Declaration pledged their LIVES, their FORTUNES, and their SACRED HONORS to give us these freedoms. Many of them died BROKE, HOMELESS, HEARTBROKEN, and SHAMED! But what they did LIVED ON IN US! The Declaration was a petition. When it was ignored, it was REASON ENOUGH TO FIGHT!
So stop rationalizing, and start growing some balls.
EVERYTHING that I focused on last year, it's like...this year I turned it all off. Okay, well, almost everything.
My life is totally different.
While I am still concerned about what we are all concerned about, surviving and paying the bills and having something to retire on -- and living, how I am going about it has totally changed.
I went from being a cook at a minimum wage job to being my own boss and working twice as much, bringing home a lot more, with a whole slew of new bills to pay -- so I really don't have much more.
EXCEPT, I'm not stressed over the same things. AT ALL.
I have more responsibility. More flexibility. More ambition.
But, I still feel like I am missing an important part of myself that I should have. On the other hand, my desperation for that part of me is slowly fading away. If that makes sense. I've done without it up til now, so maybe it just isn't a part of me that I should have. Maybe it isn't really a part of me at all. Maybe it never was, and it was just a primordial longing that turned into a dream that I am waking up from. Finally.
I am still me. I still refuse to NOT TRY to do things that pertain to my life and my future MY WAY. I refuse to listen to anyone who tells me I'd be better off doing something other than what I am doing. I refuse to stop doing anything I enjoy doing just because it is not something someone else would have chosen for themselves. I refuse to stop climbing, searching for a way to make the things that I love work for me.
But, I am starting to find new things that I love to do.
I don't spend NEAR the time on the internet that I used to, unless it is taking care of business. I spend every waking hour trying to find time to just sit back and think, whereas before I was constantly searching for things that took my mind off whatever I didn't want to think about.
When I decide to pamper myself now, I do it with focus, because whatever I do for myself I really did earn. And, I guess I realize that no one else is there to do it for me. Someone has to. Life without some pampering at some point is not worth living. It's certainly isn't enjoyable not to touch the fruits of our labor.
I look different. I'm dressing different. I am not the same person at all -- except...
I am still the same person who gives all she has for something she wants. I am still the same person who would be willing let go of people and situations that don't need me re-arranging their existence by my presence and finding a way to not need theirs in spite of my grief over it -- whether it be a job, a person, or whatever situation.
I am still the same person with the same determination to use what I have to the best of my ability where-ever I am in life to make the best of what I have in serenity and submission to the situation at hand.
I channel my anger, and my strengths, searching for positivity to come through negative situations. I go into overdrive when I am under pressure and I go crazy when I am at an impasse, so that I am forced to change direction.
My attitude has always been to look at a frustrating situation and say, "I can't have this? FINE. I'll find something better for me to have, and I will STILL end up where I am heading!" (even though that isn't always true).
And, I have rarely ever regretted it.
Change. It's inevitable. But DANG what a change lately!
