Patience

God knows my heart. I've prayed until my tears can fill up a bucket.

I know God never ignores prayer. There are three answers God can give to any prayer: "Yes". "No." And, "Not right now."

I keep praying that His "No" is just a "Not right now." I also pray for a door to finally shut -- either the door in front of me, or the door behind me.

If the door behind me shuts, I have finally received what I have been praying so fervently for. I can move ahead with new life, and new energy...and new dreams.

I want for that door to shut so much!

If the door in front of me shuts, then I know there is no point in praying more for what I am hoping for. The decision has been made. It's final.

I want for that door to shut just as much!

I also know that God can open closed doors when He wants to. He has proven that to me time and again...but to know that the door in front of me is locked and sealed shut is to accept that I need to move on completely, without looking back at the struggle that got me there. To accept the futility of knocking any more. If it should open again in the future, then I will again be on my knees praying again. But, I want peace in my heart about the prayer for right now.

I just would rather have the pain of finality than the pain of the waiting for an answer.

God, however, expects patience.

I am reminded constantly that I am not God.