Moving on...

I am in the process of "transforming" myself into something better. I got a new hair cut, started wearing a little make-up, smiling more, engaging in more conversation, going out more, and a myriad of other things that make me different than I was two weeks ago.

I am in no way doing this because I am trying to find someone to be a companion to. I am, however, opening myself up more to finding friends. If I should ever find myself involved in a relationship, it is going to be with someone who I am best friends with, first.

And, I am not trying to be something I am not. I am -- more -- trying to become what I should already be. I was talking to a friend today who is trying to encourage me to go out and find someone. I have another friend who is trying to play matchmaker with me.

I am not interested. I really like my life.

A customer asked me tonight if I was aiming to catch a man with my new "do". I told him, "not at all." He told me if I didn't watch it, I would do it anyway. (He's happily married, so it was a "safe" conversation).

If there's one thing I've learned it's that suffering from heartbreak and suffering from loneliness are two different things.

If I go and get someone else because I'm suffering from heartbreak that's revenge. If I go and get someone because I'm suffering from loneliness that's desperation.

I'm not doing either. Either way it's not fair to the person I'm doing it with.

If I am seeking a relationship it's going to be one that is genuine and real. I don't want to give someone left-overs of who I am . I want to give someone special everything I am.

At least this way, I can honestly say that the man who passes me up has passed up something real.

And, if I never find what it is I am looking for I'll be just as happy. I am all I need to be for me. And, God is everything else.

Sometimes I Cry

Sometimes I mess up in my life. When I do, I find out that I have a choice to make - once it is all said and done.

I can wallow in my hurt, refuse to admit I had done wrong; grab hold of anything that defends my actions and keep trying to beat my head against a brick wall.

Or, I can focus on something else that is just as destructive to my state of being, try to do the same thing in a new setting and hope for different results. Go insane...

OR, I can give it to God. Turn back to where I know I should be and go from there. I can let HIM change the situation, remove me from the valley, become who I should be in spite of the pain -- until the pain is completely gone.

But, still, there are tears of regret and longing.

It is these times I find myself on my knees trying to make sense of it all; until I realize that I don't have to.

If God brought me to it, He will walk me through it. I realize, at this point, that the reason I am in the state of mind that I am in is because I should have not tried to take the lead. I should not have ventured off the path He set me on. I should not have tried to grab hold to what God had already put behind me.

Where ever He leads, I should follow. At least this way, I am safe from the potholes of life as He walks me around them.

I still need to heal from the consequences of my latest stupidity. But, I am allowing God to strengthen me for the journey ahead.

I am still alive. That is something. That means that God isn't through with me yet.

Thank God!

This song is totally me!

Overcomer

This post was originally written on October 19, 2015. Five years ago. Still true today for me, so I thought I'd share.

Broken? No. I never considered myself broken. I shook my fist a lot at a world that was unfair and deceptive. But, something in me just kept saying that life is what you make it. And, it's gotta start somewhere. The buck stops here. And, so forth.

I made the Bible my guidebook, even when I wasn't following Jesus the way I should have been. I trusted that there was a God and that He knew better than I did...or even my parents did. I determined to have faith, even when I didn't believe.

I saw things with the eyes of someone of scrutiny. I kept my back to the wall, and never went into a crowded place without knowing where the door was. And, I watched. I treaded the waters lightly.

Every now and then I would jump in head first, determined to sink or swim. Sometimes I thought I would drown...other times, I found a rock to stand on. All the time, I overcame the current.

At first, I was angry. My anger started turning to bitterness. Then, I realized that the sunrise on every new day was majestic -- and that beauty was in the eye of the beholder. I had a choice to make.

Life is what it is. Sometimes you sink, sometimes you swim. But, sometimes, if you just float, you can take the time to enjoy the scenery, breathe easier, smell the fresh air.

I chose to be grateful in spite of not having all I want. I chose to accept what I was given, rather than covet what would never be mine. I chose to love, in spite of the pain; to laugh, in spite of the tears. to get up and move forward, rather than to lay there and move nowhere; to earn, rather than to demand; to show love, rather than indifference; to forgive, rather than to expect, and to experience, rather than to fear.

I look in the mirror today and I don't see a survivor, The fact that I am still there in the mirror looking back at myself tells me that the struggle was worth it, and I am an OVERCOMER.

Ten Things I've Learned in My 51st Year of Life 2020

Every year I post the ten top things I learned sometime during my birth month. My birthday is October 30. I will be 52 years old. (Yes, I am not ashamed to post it, because everyone who knows me knows I'm real). This year is no different.

Here goes:

10. God is in control of everything. I already knew this, but this year I felt it BIG TIME...I did a lot of arguing and begging this year with God.

9. Letting go is the most unselfish thing you can do.

8. True friendships don't thrive on Facebook. True friendship can only be cultivated face to face.

7. When you make a wrong turn and the road leads you to an impasse, it's best to go back where you started in order to figure out where you went wrong, and go a different direction.

6. Your boundaries are what builds respect from others.

5. Boundaries are not to protect you from others, but to protect you from yourself.

4. The fire of true love never completely dies. It might fade into the background over time, but is easily rekindled under the right circumstances.

3. Sometimes the truth isn't enough.

2. You can't worry about what other people will feel about your decision to be happy. If they truly love you, then they will support your decision, even if it takes you away from them. Making everyone else happy doesn't do anything for your own self respect and ends in wishful thinking.

1. God is stronger than I am.

Not My Way

Today, I stood up. I dusted myself off. I determined that no matter the pain, I was not going to settle for playing second fiddle to what I deserve.

I may not get what I want by doing this, but at least I know where I stand. And, if I can't have what I want, then it only means that God has other plans for me -- even if they are not the plans I want Him to have for me. I know God knows what's best for me. I know that His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts, and I am an imperfect woman who serves a perfect God.

I also know that His plans are to prosper me and not harm me, to give me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11). Even if it isn't what I want right now.

I know that He counts my tears. He covers my shame. And, best of all, He fights my battles for me.

I also know that He answers prayers.

So, I stood up and stepped forward, putting one foot in front of the other and determined not to look back. I only want what is in front of me from now on.

I want what is with-in my reach.

And, just like what I left behind me, I want it RIGHT.

If what I come to from here on out does not fit my definition of what is right for me, I will put one foot in front of the other and keep moving on.

Maybe some day "right" will finally run catch up with me, or I will find it on my way. Until then, I will keep climbing.

Someone once told me that I always rise to the top no matter what I do. I am not just a bubble in the soda...No. I am the whipped cream on top. And, I aim to stay that way.

No one is going to drag my spirit down anymore.

I choose to be grateful, loveable, joyful, peaceful, and yes, still hopeful.