EVERYTHING that I focused on last year, it's like...this year I turned it all off. Okay, well, almost everything. My life is totally different.
While I am still concerned about what we are all concerned about, surviving and paying the bills and having something to retire on -- and living, how I am going about it has totally changed.
I went from being a cook at a minimum wage job to being my own boss and working twice as much, bringing home a lot more, with a whole slew of new bills to pay -- so I really don't have much more.
EXCEPT, I'm not stressed over the same things. AT ALL.
I have more responsibility. More flexibility. More ambition.
But, I still feel like I am missing an important part of myself that I should have. On the other hand, my desperation for that part of me is slowly fading away. If that makes sense. I've done without it up til now, so maybe it just isn't a part of me that I should have. Maybe it isn't really a part of me at all. Maybe it never was, and it was just a primordial longing that turned into a dream that I am waking up from. Finally. I am still me. I still refuse to NOT TRY to do things that pertain to my life and my future MY WAY. I refuse to listen to anyone who tells me I'd be better off doing something other than what I am doing. I refuse to stop doing anything I enjoy doing just because it is not something someone else would have chosen for themselves. I refuse to stop climbing, searching for a way to make the things that I love work for me.
But, I am starting to find new things that I love to do.
I don't spend NEAR the time on the internet that I used to, unless it is taking care of business. I spend every waking hour trying to find time to just sit back and think, whereas before I was constantly searching for things that took my mind off whatever I didn't want to think about. When I decide to pamper myself now, I do it with focus, because whatever I do for myself I really did earn. And, I guess I realize that no one else is there to do it for me. Someone has to. Life without some pampering at some point is not worth living. It's certainly isn't enjoyable not to touch the fruits of our labor.
I look different. I'm dressing different. I am not the same person at all -- except...
I am still the same person who gives all she has for something she wants. I am still the same person who would be willing let go of people and situations that don't need me re-arranging their existence by my presence and finding a way to not need theirs in spite of my grief over it -- whether it be a job, a person, or whatever situation.
I am still the same person with the same determination to use what I have to the best of my ability where-ever I am in life to make the best of what I have in serenity and submission to the situation at hand.
I channel my anger, and my strengths, searching for positivity to come through negative situations. I go into overdrive when I am under pressure and I go crazy when I am at an impasse, so that I am forced to change direction.
My attitude has always been to look at a frustrating situation and say, "I can't have this? FINE. I'll find something better for me to have, and I will STILL end up where I am heading!" (even though that isn't always true).
And, I have rarely ever regretted it.
Change. It's inevitable. But DANG what a change lately!